I am not sure whether it is a threat or a promise, but HisLordship has said more than once that he plans to take some (hopefully semi) naked photographs of me outside. For one reason or another this has not happened yet, and I suppose that by writing this I am actually reminding him of it when that was not my intention. I am unsure as to whether or not that is a wise thing to do; I want to please him of course but I do have some quite strong reservations about it. I have expressed these to him in the past and whether it is that, or that lack of opportunity, or the onset of the colder weather that has stopped him carrying through, I do not know. Continue reading
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
This poem has always summed up how I feel about what HisLordship and I share. I try so hard to express what it is but there are so many facets to how I feel that it is impossible to really capture it as this poem does for me. It was one of the readings at our wedding ceremony and when I told my sister that we had chosen it and she was concerned that it was a bit suggestive. She said that the reference to loving in secret seemed wrong and that we should be out in the open. For me, I feel that you can only truly love or be loved if you have acknowledged that darkness and embraced it. I think she would have been happier if I had seen our love as the salt rose or the topaz, but the dark thing living in between the shadow and the soul was not up her street. Never mind, one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure and all of that.
I have always been attracted to the darkness. I don’t know what it is about it but there is something about the mystery of it all that makes it appealing. Obviously real darkness is different but the dark side of a person, all their hidden desires and wants is something which not only appeals but is also very sexy. That is part of the D/s for me. I know that I am safe with HisLordship. I know that he is a kind, loving and nurturing man who would never let anything bad happen to me, which leaves me free to enjoy that other part of him and also to explore my own. Continue reading
If you follow my blog, you will already have read my post on Discipline and Punishment and will know that punishment has never formed a big part of our dynamic. We did try it initially of course as we had read that was what you were supposed to do. It didn’t really work. We are not a couple who use punishment with our kids and prefer to sort things out by discussion so it seemed odd and uncomfortable not to that with each other too. We also found that when things went ‘wrong’ that usually we both had a part to play in it. I won’t say that we have never used punishment because we have, and I wrote about one occasion where it seemed necessary in my post Meltdown. Continue reading
So here I am at the end of the term and the start of two weeks off work. Have I managed better than before? Not really I don’t think. I have been absolutely exhausted and by the last two weeks this actually manifested itself as me feeling quite angry. I was still able to laugh with my office-sharing colleague, who is under similar pressure himself, about how grumpy I had become but I could really feel the difference in myself. We like to say that we have a ‘can do’ attitude in our office, but not the past few weeks. It has been very much a ‘taking no passengers’ type service. Some of that felt quite good in a way as I usually bend myself backwards, often for very little thanks, but the reason for the change was not a good thing. Continue reading
Tomorrow is World Metal Health day so I wanted to take a minute just to raise awareness for that. At work we are wearing a ‘touch of yellow’ in order to highlight this as there are growing numbers of young people in schools who are managing with mental health issues. Since joining the wonderful world of Domination and submission I have made loads of amazing friends but I have been surprised by the numbers of those who are managing, or who have managed, mental health issues of some sort. Clearly I do not believe that there is a link between D/s and mental health issues, quite the opposite in fact. In reality a large number of then people who I have spoken to actually feel that the D/s has helped them to manage their difficulties in a positive way. Continue reading
About a year and a half ago, I began trying a new way of exercising and eating. I have always been conscious of what I ate and the exercise I got but that is not to say that I was always making sensible choices. At points in my life I would be really good, but at others, when things were busy and/or stressful and I felt maxed out, it would all slip a little bit. As someone who had an eating disorder when younger, my feelings around diet and exercise is something that I have to manage, along with some recurring body image issues. I am not suggesting that you can never move on from such a thing – I would say that I certainly have and am pretty healthy both physically and mentally – but I do recognise that there is still a tendency to obsession and unhealthy thinking patterns at times. Continue reading