This is really part 2 to yesterday’s post, The girl in me but I sort of ran into writing too much so I decided to break it down. I said there that I had identified with some of the aspects of a DD/lg dynamic but not necessarily the activities, and this had caused me some confusion. I also wrote about the way that labels make me feel so this post is me defining what this part of me means for me. Whether I fit into anyone else’s box or not matters little because it is about who, what and how I am that matters to HisLordship and I. If someone else reading can see a similarity to themselves and feel reassured that they are not alone, then so much the better.
Before I start I wanted to share part of one of the comments on my post yesterday from C for now as I feel it sums up why I, and so many others, may arrive at the place I have. (For more see his post: A little understanding.)
He has become your new “Daddy”. Don’t recoil in horror until I finish. You loved him but now you love him more. You trusted him but now you trust him more. He now shields you, protects you and guides you more. He gives that inner girl a safe place to indulge her fantasies and he watches over her as she plays. Things that worry you make you think of him. But…, but when the day has been long you long to indulge in him. He is the rock by which you know that you are good. Sounds kinda like Daddy all those years ago doesn’t it?
Without clogging your comments further, know that this is a good, common thing for subs in a strong relationship. I’m sure some of those who started this a whole six months ago have rolled their eyes but I hope they remember to feel ok when it hits them after a couple of years of constant, positive care. Identifying that girl and learning to see her is your next challenge. You will see her on your way home from a rough day (and myriad other times) and you need to show her to him. She needs a different hand than the one he canes but she is a component of that one and just as important. Don’t let her lack of cartoons, coloring books and animals fool you, she is there and she is a sign that all is well.
As it happens I have already made headway in identifying her and have actually been exploring that side of me more openly for that last six months or so. While there were just flashes before, since I told Sir about it all, I have been able to be less guarded and experiment a bit with it. Being open with others who I feel comfortable with has also been helpful – I have a group that I speak to each day who all identify as being little so that was a great place to start in being able to experiment with that headspace. I was up to mischief one day and created the character of Lime to hide behind, and this was something that really grew in a way that I didn’t expect.
Creating characters to ‘be’ is nothing new for me and is something I did a lot with my sisters when I was younger. When I grew up, I continued this with my own children, although for some reason, it was not ever something I did very much around Sir. Anyway, after Lime was born, I ‘used’ her in situations where I knew I intended to be little – she joined a couple of sites, she chatted with her little friends and even attended one of the Little Parties at The SafeworD/s Club. Having been around me and my friends for sometime, HisLordship was no stranger to the idea of DD/lg relationships. He also recognised that there was part of me that identified with it and was happy that I explored it. How far he was comfortable to go with it was another matter though, and initially that made things a bit uncertain.
I think that he felt slightly uncomfortable, not with the reality, but with the thinking that went with it. He was not happy to be called Daddy as it felt wrong to him and I think the fact that he is step-father to my two teenage daughters, messed with his head a bit. As with a lot of this, it is a case of working through your thoughts as it doesn’t always seem rational. I suppose a lot of it is conditioning. He was happy to role-play a schoolgirl scene and fuck the naughty elf in the woods, but somehow this crossed into different territory for him so we took it all very slowly. Having Lime helped with this, as I was able to introduce a little side in a controlled way, which I thought might fit in more with the role-play that was more familiar. HisLordship became not Daddy, but Major Herbert Lemon, who is Lime’s ‘caregiver’.
I expect that these characters will be subsumed as we become more confident and more comfortable with they way things are, but for now, being allowed Lime-time has worked for me. It has given me the chance to feel free of some of the restrictions and responsibilities that I often feel I bend to. Lime is interested in having fun and doesn’t really think beyond what she enjoys, what feels nice, what makes her happy, and keeping on the right side of ‘Herbie’ of course. This has been freeing for me in the everyday situations in the same way that play or a scene can free me in the bedroom. The things that hold me back are stripped away and I can become carefree and light, so it is a real escape.
As with anything in this dynamic, once you give it the space, it seems to grow and I have felt more and more recently that this little (or Middle) space is somewhere that I would like to go. I find myself wanting my own bedroom where I can have my bed against the wall with lots of cushions and fairy lights and sit and chat to my friends on-line. I want to get my nail colours out and line them up and have it all set up like a mini salon. I want a proper dressing table with a mirror with lights all the way round and a unit with all of my beads and jewellery stuff organised by colour inside. In some ways it may seem I am regressing, but actually I see it more that the honesty and openness of this dynamic is allowing me to strip away the limitations I put on myself. I don’t feel the need to hide anymore and that has come from being loved and accepted for who I am.
The more I have thought about it the more I can identify with being a middle. I spend a lot of time with teenagers through my job and one of the reasons I am good at it is because I find it quite easy to identify with them. I am more comfortable in their company than in adult company where things become more stressful in terms of being political and all the hidden agendas. Young people are refreshing in that they are less coloured by the expectations of society and that is something that I prefer. As a people pleaser, I am aware that I often shape myself in order to fit what I think others expect of me which is a rather annoying habit, so when people are more straightforward about who they are, I find that much easier. I think that is why I feel so comfortable with the people I have met since starting D/s as they tend to tell it as it is, with much less pretence.
I love being able to play and be silly and can lose myself in that quite easily. I know that I can only do this because I feel so safe and because I feel that HL is there to look after me. The connection that I feel with him is huge and it has enabled me to do things which I never would have been able to do before, and this is just one part of that. He loves doing things for me and is naturally caring and nurturing so it fits our dynamic pretty well. I also think that the more childish I become, the more Dominantly he responds. When he took me to the shop to choose a magazine and sweets as a reward for doing something for him, I had to try to stop myself from skipping right into our local supermarket.
So despite the dearth of information on what being a middle involves, I am happy for the meantime to explore it on my own terms and see where it goes. At the end of the day we are still us and we are still happy and that is ultimately what is important. I have learnt that to rush into things and try to force yourself into a mould created by someone else doesn’t work, so I am content just to experiment and see. I know that I will not be getting my own bedroom anytime soon and that is fine by me, although maybe one day I will get a little corner! At the moment I am content to be a bit more open about the things that I like and to be allowed an escape into them sometimes.
So for anyone else who doesn’t particularly like stuffed toys or animals and colouring or cartoons, here are some of the things that I like. I like shopping for clothes, painting my nails and makeup. I like listening to music loudly on my headphones, talking to my friends online, adore girly chat and I know it is wrong but I do also love gossip. I like pretty things like cushions, fairy lights, candles and baths with fizzers and bubbles. I love clothes and jewellery and I especially like shoes and boots. I keep my things safely tucked away but like to get them out and look at them (I sort of hoard stationery, toiletries and cosmetics). I like dressing up, planning out outfits and accessorising them. I like doing craft, baking, going online and I love my phone and iPad. I like reading, journaling and love my blog. I like cuddles, hugs and feeling small and safe. I like being touched, stroked and patted on the head. I like holding hands and being led along; I like dancing and skipping. I like having to ask permission for things and being given treats and rewards. I love being praised and told that I have done well. I like being silly, getting up to mischief and teasing Major Lemon and being tricky around him, so I exaggerate a bit and make things up. I love being under a blanket watching TV with him while we eat sweets and I have realised that this is a pretty long list so I am going to stop now.