I have never been a patient person. If there is something ahead, good or bad, I am inclined to want to get on with whatever it is. I don’t like waiting, and really I am not very good at it. I get a bit stressed and do not engage as much in what I have at the time, as I am looking forwards to the part that is coming next. I have to say that D/s was a HUGE test for me in this way, and I am also glad to say that it has taught me a thing or two about living in the moment and trying not to rush ahead. Of course I still have a lot to learn from others around me and am fortunate to have some friends who are really inspirational in the way they manage things. One of the things I wasn’t aware of at the start was that it is common to experience sub-frenzy.
I think that D/s was particularly hard because it is like a shiny new toy. You long for it for a while, you do your research, you finally get it and you want to play with it all the time. The trouble is that it isn’t a toy so it isn’t simply a case of popping the batteries in, reading the instructions and off you go. It is a lot more complicated than that as you are relying on another person to play the same game as you. You are already a couple but you are becoming more harmonised. more synchronised and more in tune with one another. When you first met, it was all new, but now you have that familiarity which means that you make assumptions, have expectations and already have a perception of how things will be. All of this has to be re-learnt. You must learn to anticipate and not assume, to curb your expectations and just enjoy what comes your way, and to let your perceptions shift in line with your new way of thinking.
I don’t think that I am alone in feeling what I did and I have spoken to a lot of other submissives who wanted to run full speed and also became frustrated initially that their Doms seems to be moving more slowly. Most of us seem to get off to a great start; everything fits brilliantly into place and you are caught up in the excitement of it all. However, as with anything, real life is always a bit trickier as there are the mundane times, and the difficult times, and the stressful times, and the times when your mood is just not right. If that affects the mindset for either one of you then it will probably affect the other too, and the trick is not to react to it by closing down and feeling despondent. You have to be patient – it doesn’t mean that it wont work, it just means that it isn’t working right now, and you need to think about what you can do to help it.
I think that for me, finding my patience was as hard a step as it was for HisLordship to assume control. I think that I was so wrapped up in the excitement of it all that perhaps I didn’t appreciate what a big ask it was of him. He was already naturally Dominant in some areas and seemed to take to it so well that I was surprised when it wasn’t always consistent, and I think I underestimated how hard it was for him to suddenly feel he had to be in control of everything. He not only needed to do assume more overt control of me, but he had to have more control of himself as well and I didn’t realise that it would take him time to grow in confidence with that. Because it worked when he did it, I underestimated what it actually took for him and didn’t always allow the space that he needed to deal things that had happened to him during the day, as that sometimes affected how Dominant he was feeling.
Sub-frenzy is a phenomenon that affects many new submissives. It’s that first rush of overwhelming, consuming desire to experience every kind of kink, as soon as possible, often to the point of neglecting all other concerns.
Most of us have thought about submission long before we ever have the nerve to go looking for it, and when we do, it’s often like someone dropped a bomb in the middle of our world. You can become consumed by it. BDSM is all you can think about.
I now recognise what I was experiencing as sub-frenzy. When you read up on sub-frenzy it tends to be focussed on new submissives who are not already in a long term relationship or marriage with their partner, so a lot of the danger is in rushing with regards to the play aspects. Hazards can be a poor lack of judgement which can lead to you doing things that are dangerous, or you haven’t thought through, or playing with too many people, or the wrong types of people. For those of us who are already in a relationship, it is a bit different. I think that it can show more in terms of wanting to move too fast, having unrealistic expectations, and becoming frustrated with the fact that it can feel ‘not enough’, or ‘too slow’, or ‘inconsistent’.
This is where your patience comes in. You have to stop yourself, slow yourself down and consider whether your expectations are realistic or not. You have to think about your Dominant and what they are thinking and feeling. Are you reassuring them enough? Are you talking and communicating enough? Are you giving them the space and time and support that they need to be able to feel comfortable and in control? If not then it will all fall apart because you haven’t allowed it to become part of what you do. Whatever you did before, you have built up those habits and responses over a lot of years and it will take a long time to cement the new behaviours. When you hit a bump it is easy to feel like it isn’t going to work but it will do, it just takes time. Keep talking to each other, keep talking and seeking advice from others who have been there, and it will come.
The other thing to remember is that being submissive is not just about responding to what your Dominant does. You have to try to behave submissively even when he doesn’t seem to be Dominating you. It is like a circle where you both feed off each other’s actions and behaviour, so if one of you is off and the other feeds off that then it becomes a power struggle again. If you can be patient and consistent with your submission then he will find his mindset too and it will keep going, so take it slowly and don’t expect too much of yourselves in the beginning. I know at the start we struggled to navigate the bumps and at times we doubted we could do it. To be honest, I was probably guilty of blaming HisLordship for not ‘doing it’ when really my expectations were not realistic.
What we have now is 3 years of consistently sticking with it and not allowing ourselves to be derailed. Have we had doubts? Yes, we both have and we have both questioned in the past if it would work and if we could do it. I am pleased to say that hasn’t happened in a while and it has become easier. It has become more naturally part of how we are and what we do and I am delighted to say that my patience has paid off. It is one area where I certainly see growth and being able to focus on the here and now has definitely got us through some stressful times this part year. If you are looking for a fairy-tale, then you have to remember that there is a lot of reading in between your once upon a time and your happily ever after.
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