I have been thinking for a while that my submission has a few different faces and after Dark and Dominant’s post popped up on my reader, I decided I was ready to write about it. I said in my post about Active Submission that I thought that once my husband agreed to this dynamic, he would be the Dominant and my role would be to respond to him. That is one side to my submission but as the post explained, there is also another more active role where I am behaving submissively and doing things to serve him, without necessarily being asked to. I want to be the obedient, compliant and patient sub. But I also need to be the thoughtful, caring, and loving sub. Then there is the kinky, sexy, adventurous sub who wants to be pushed and explore those forbidden fantasies. And finally there is another part of me that is the vulnerable, playful and childlike sub.I think it was the sophisticated submissive who is self-contained and often pictured kneeling quietly, waiting for her Dominant who I first saw myself as being. I certainly embraced this part of the role and took to kneeling to centre myself and focus on my submission. I found that this part came most easily before a scene or play so was quite bedroom focussed. It is a role I enjoy as it makes me feel calm and at peace with myself and my life and a time when I feel my connection with HisLordship. Although it came from the giving up of control, this side of my submission is ironically quite controlled. I think this comes from the strength that being submissive brings and from the trust that I feel in the power exchange with Sir.
Being active makes me feel like myself. As a person I get pleasure from doing things for others so it is important to me that I can do that for Sir. I want to care for him, not because he asks me to but because I want to. It does something emotionally for me when I think of doing things for him that he might like. I feel somehow energised by it and it gives me a real boost when he responds positively; to be able to remind him through my actions how much I want and need him is a key part of who am. I also like going to him to ask for help with things as it reminds me how far we have come together and when I am able to deal with something in a respectful way and manage a situation submissively, it is quite empowering.
It is not news to those who follow my blog that I have some deep rooted issues with body image, but the submissive sex siren is still an ever evolving and essential part. Since beginning this journey, I have become so much more comfortable with myself and in using that part of myself in a positive way. I enjoy being used for pleasure and the thought that I am available for Sir is a large part of my submissive headspace. To be able to fulfil his fantasies and please his desires it huge for me. By asking this of me, he has made me into the person who is capable of doing it, if that makes sense. Posts such as D/s has made me sexy and Being Beautiful show me how much I have changed from the person who would barely cross the room with a bare bum, to the woman who will present herself arse up, for inspection, and love every minute of it. So again, it is a key part of who I am.
Then there is the vulnerable side. The girl who wants to be taken care of, to crawl into his pocket and be safe forever. She wants to be looked after, doesn’t really want to have to be strong or deal with the adult stuff, and is happy to be led around by the hand and just enjoy being his. That is another key part of my submission and one where I feel most free. I am happy to let Sir order my food and make decisions for me, to return things to the shop and deal with people over the phone who might be awkward. I have no desire to be the strong one if I don’t have to be and I appreciate the fact that he will fill my car with petrol and deal with all the ‘manly’ things. This part also has a naughty side that wants to get up to mischief in a childish way and Sir leaves me free to do that by taking on the responsible adult role.
For every face that I have, HisLordship will wear a complimentary one. He is the serious Dominant who is authoritative and will give direction and correction where needed. But he will also be the Dominant who will listen, make decisions and lead us both through our life together. He is the Dom of the stories I once read who allows me to see his dark side, pushing boundaries and exploring the hidden fantasies that we are now able to share. And he is also my protector, as he cares and nurtures me, looking out for my well-being and allowing me to be free. I see glimpses of all of these faces everyday, but I think that they come together most during a scene and through the following aftercare. It is in the time after this that I think we are most completely connected because I know that he sees all of me, just as I see all of him.
Posted in Submissive Journal.