I wrote this post before and didn’t post it initially. I showed it to HisLordship and have decided now to post it as a sort of two-part post so this is Part one. Here is a link to Part two.
The last few days has got me to thinking that I may have reached a plateau in terms of my submission. I am not upset about this as I am really pretty delighted to be where I am; we formalised our commitment to live in a D/s dynamic coming up for three years ago now and when I look back at how far I have come on my personal journey, there is no way that I could be disappointed. And there is also no way that I could go back, so I suppose what I am pondering is whether or not I will continue to take my submission to a deeper level, or whether I will be content to just enjoy the place that I am now at.
Really I think the direction we take now is dependent more on HisLordship than it is on me. It was actually during the summer of 2012 that I realised that I was submissive and asked him if he thought that we could try to work D/s into our relationship. It was unusual in a way, because although the Dominance part meant that he was leading more overtly than he had ever done, it had been at my request so he turned to me to provide information and an explanation of what I wanted from him and for how I wanted him to be. This was not without its issues and it took us a while to find a balance that seemed to work for us, and after those first two years of a bit on and off as we struggled to make it fit, we finally made a formal commitment that this was what we wanted.
Even then, I think that Sir sometimes felt less confident and natural in his role than I did in mine, however, always the gent, he embraced it as fully as he could and I appreciate the fact that a huge part of this was because he knew it was what I wanted. There were aspects that he loved of course and I think it is fair to say that he took to the bedroom Dominance more readily than in the other areas, which was probably because I had already established quite tight control of the domestic and family things. The bedroom was also an area where I found it much easier to submit control to him too so that made perfect sense. In addition, although we had dipped our toes into some kinky waters before, he liked being able to experiment further with this and take it to a new level. He also enjoyed the change in my attitude an approach towards him and also in terms of my general demeanour.
So I do not mean to cast aspersions into HisLordship’s commitment to this at all. He has embraced his role fully and we have been able to establish a 24/7 style dynamic together where the D/s has been woven throughout the various areas of our marriage. We have rules and rituals which help to support the structure and keep us in the right mindset, and through our open communication we have build an intimacy and trust that we never could never have sustained before. It is for these reasons that if I have reached a plateau in terms of my submission, then I am more than happy just to kneel in front of him and enjoy being his.
I suppose my thinking comes from the fact that, up until now, I have pushed myself to give up more and more control to him. I think that for those of you who read my blog, you will see that my form of submission is a large part active and I think that this is the reason that I may have reached my summit. I have asked to be his submissive, I have asked that he take more control and I have offered up my submission as a sort of gift to him. It has not always been easy to relinquish control in some areas and I have not always been successful in doing it, but I have tried my best and he has encouraged and supported me with that.
However, I now find myself at the point that my nature is fighting any further give. Where I may want to submit further and more deeply for him, my behaviour at points can work against that. I think that in order to move further now I would require him to be taking more from me and until now, I think that I have subconsciously made this difficult. I think that giving up complete control is hard and often life has given us a set of survival strategies to protect us and they don’t always fit with what you want to do in an ideal world.
We have discussed the fact that in order to make further progress, he would need to push some of the boundaries that I have set, and to take my submission through his Dominance of me, so who knows where this will lead. I am not sure how easily, willingly or successfully I would be pushed past this, or how much he wants to go there. I guess only time will tell and we will see. Feeling that I have reached a plateau is not a bad thing for me but I do wonder whether he would like my support in tackling some of the less helpful behaviours that I still have. Watch this space.