More and more I feel that I am changing. I feel that I am able to escape from some of the poorer ideas that life leaves you with and indulge my emotions in the more positive ones. I guess it is because so much of how you see yourself is made of how you feel about who you are and much less about how you actually are. I would say that this goes for personality, behaviour and physical appearance for me, but it is definitely the case that someone else seeing the positives and reinforcing those, has helped.
Being beautiful, either inside or out, is not something that I have ever really felt secure in. I tend to be very self-critical and the way I feel about my personality and my body can affect my general demeanour during a day. This is a fact, but it is yet another one that I will beat myself up for, so I lose out in having those feelings in the first place, and then in feeling bad about having had those feelings in the second place. Living the way that we do now has meant that increasingly the focus on everything has been much more positive – happy people tend to do this with each other I think. It also means that there is a structure with rules and rituals that help to support the positive behaviours and give less attention to the negative ones, and this has been a huge help.
There are definitely points during the day, or often the night, when I can escape from the things that pull me down and enjoy being someone a little different. Someone beautiful, someone worthwhile, someone who is even worthy of the attention that is being bestowed upon them. There are other times too, that I am in this space for much longer periods, and this happens especially when we are just the two of us, with no distractions and we are able to escape for extended periods into our own little world together. So having been challenged on my negativity towards myself has been a big part of being able to leave it, at least in part, behind.
Another thing that I think has brought about a change is the people who I spend a lot of time conversing with now. These tend to be other people in similar dynamics as me who are also very positive people. They are people who think about the relationships that they have, who are grateful for them, and who are used to being honest and being held accountable. We might joke about topping each other, but in reality we will challenge things that don’t seem to be helpful, as well as offering support. To this end, I have received a lot of positive comments here about my posts and about the content within them. Sometimes compliments can feel that they are given more than as a response than as a genuinely meaningful comment, but the honesty and openness that a lot of us share here means that somehow a deeper level of trust is formed.
I don’t think that to accept yourself and embrace your positives is ever a place which is easy to remain in as a constant, as life is just not like that and neither is human nature. I do think that it is something that I have had help to improve at though and my thinking and perception has altered. I suppose I would see myself not as beautiful, but in having a beauty which can be seen by others, and is slowly emerging as far as I see myself. I know that Sir sees my beauty and he is sure to tell me about it often; in accepting myself I am pleasing him and that viewpoint has helped me. He is careful not to push things too far, but to create opportunities for me which will reinforce what he sees by being more open about that, and this is something that it turns out has been helpful to me.
Self acceptance is a huge part of feeling good about yourself and I think that the more open and exposed you allow yourself to become, the more that the feedback from others can feel honest. Validation is important to people and usually this is concerned with wanting the positives to be validated rather than the negatives, or at the very least to be able to share the good and to be supported with addressing and changing the bad. I feel in some senses that this journey is a sort of metamorphosis as I seem to be transforming very slowly into a slightly different, slightly better, slightly (dare I say it) more beautiful version of myself.