My head tends to be a busy place to be. This is normal for me and I have come to accept it, but it is not always conducive to being a good submissive. The Dominance helps of course and it is one of the big attractions for me. Especially in the bedroom, it is a way of switching off the thoughts which can plague me and stop my focus being where I want it to be. This was part of our recent discussion about areas for growth. I asked HisLordship to help me to work on my submission in a number of areas, and one of them was working on my mindset, especially in the morning.
I think that as the day progresses and we are around each other, I become more focussed on Sir and am therefore better able to meet his needs. I have noticed that first thing in the morning, this comes less easily to me. Part of our agreement is that I am available physically to him whenever he wants. This is a nice thought and one that actually turns us both on. The thought that I am ready for the taking whenever he wants has a real appeal for me, and for him the thought that his every wish and desire will be met openly is something that he has welcomed. In reality, however, it is not something that he makes use of all that much. There have been occasions where he has used me simply for his own pleasure but he prefers, usually, that I get something more than just his pleasure from the exchange.
Of course, by pleasing him I find my own pleasure, but often he wants more than this; he wants to know that I am getting as much from it as he is. This can be more tricky in the morning as he wakes feeling horny and physically ready, whereas I seem to take longer to warm up. I had wondered if this was because I had kind of retreated into my own head during the night and so I asked if we could work on me being able to get into my submissive mindset more quickly. We talked about how this might work and part of my additional holiday tasks has become to touch him (in any way I choose) when I first wake, and to try to think only of sexy thoughts while I do it.
This seemed like a good idea. I had suggested that morning sex every day for a few weeks would probably leave my body looking for it in the end and I know that then my mind would quickly fall into place. We have tried such training in other areas and it seems to have a pretty good success rate for us. So this was his way of adapting that idea in order to find a starting point for helping me to get as quickly to the same place in the morning, as I do at other times of the day. Today was day 1. It was interesting to wake with a task and I was pleased that it was at the front of my mind as I came too. Off to a good start, I rolled over and began to touch him.
I enjoyed what I was doing and for the first few minutes was thinking about him (he is my sexy thought) like he had asked. It was interesting though that after a very short time, something that I had been thinking about previously came to mind. I pushed it out and another thought came. And another and another. I felt like my mind was slowly re-booting with all the stuff of the previous day. It was like the thoughts we re-filling my head thick and fast like a deck of cards being shuffled into place. It was a struggle to take control and in the end I just had to let them come in and continue what I was doing but I was able to see quite clearly what my problem was. My focus was gone.
I am glad that this is something that we talked about and something that I am going to work on improving. I realise that I do over think a lot of things and as a general rule, I probably continue past the point where my thinking is efficient. To practise this will be useful to me in lots of areas so it is something that I will persevere with. I am not unrealistic and I know that there will always be times that I am able to give more of myself than at others, but I do think that by shifting my thinking, and by practising I will move forward. Sir’s idea is not just to focus my mind, but to engage my body, so hopefully the combination of reward for a job done well will lead to success and a greater pleasure all round.
Posted in Submissive Journal.