Beware the false prophets. One of the reasons I gave for starting my blog was that when I started out on this journey, I found it difficult to find reliable information about living in a D/s relationship. There was plenty erotic fiction of course, but that centred around wealthy, mind-reading Dominants who knew you were submissive before you knew yourself and who whisked you off to a classy BDSM club where a host of lovely new submissive friends waited to support you and encourage you on your journey. Not hard to find a happily ever after there! The other source of information was factual and existed on a variety of websites and non-fiction publications, but it seemed to centre around total power exchange relationships where the submissive had a contract and followed a precise set of instructions to the letter, for the time that she was with the Dominant – usually this was just for an pre-arranged evening or a weekend, which left her time to do her shopping, pay her bills, and presumably collect the kids from school.
I found it difficult to resolve how my husband and I could embrace this dynamic fully with the busy lives that we led. Without children, we could possibly embrace the 24/7 lifestyle I read about where, having complete my chores, I would wait patiently at home, naked and chained, ready for his return. Then the power play, kinky sex and mind fucks would begin. However, we did have children; seven of them, and I also held a full time job, had a variety of other commitments, and lived in a rural part of Scotland where I was very likely the only sub in the village. Not a BDSM club in sight, very less one where we were likely to meet other like-minded people. So back to the internet I came, after-all, I could not be the only one.
It was actually HisLordship who found us another source of information which was really helpful for a while. I think that sometimes there is an issue around information on D/s, however. When you are talking about relationships, you are talking about people, and that means that what is right for one is not going to be right for the other. If only there were a diploma in BDSM; I could study hard, learn all that there is to know, and I could wave my qualification proudly and tell others exactly what they had to do and why. I joke of course, but this has been my experience with some of these others who would label themselves as knowing all. They can, of course, tell you what works for them but they cannot tell you what will work for you.
Sometimes in their desperation to validate themselves, I think that these ‘experts’ can confuse and isolate those looking for help and support. To have a narrow view is not healthy and it is important to remember that your needs and wants are as unique as you and your relationship. There is no one size fits all so beware of the false prophets who preach the one true way. When you are blinded by your sub frenzy, desperate to learn and absorb all that you can as quickly as you can, it is easy to fall for something that is shiny and bright and promises to lead you to where you want to be. But all that glitters is not gold, so take it slowly and look carefully at what is behind the shine.
Of course I don’t think that any real harm can come to anyone who is drawn in by something that seems too good to be true. I have been there myself and have come out of the other side with my senses intact, but I have also met others who, like me, have wasted time pursuing something, only to be told that they ‘weren’t really (insert label here)’ or that they were ‘doing (insert kink here) wrong’. How can you be wrong about what you like and what you want and what you feel? How can it matter if you do things in the same order and/or the same way as another couple? Surely variety is the spice of life and I think that D/s adds a pretty spicy coating to most relationships?
So I think my point is that if you are starting out in this dynamic, then I would recommend researching and reading and talking to people from as many different sources as you can. Having done that, take the bits that seem to work and you think will fit into the relationship that you already have, and leave the ones that won’t work for you. If you want it to be sustainable, then it has to be something that has a purpose or a meaning for you. Just because the next person may do it differently, does not mean that you are right and they are wrong or vice versa. I have been fortunate on this journey to have found more wise men carrying gifts, than I have done fools promising pots of gold, but I have seen plenty of them and, on occasion, have begun to follow them to the end of the rainbow.
I hate labels as they require a definition, and that can seem to push you down a road where you, or others, use them to make you feel like you have to be a certain way to wear the badge. Having said that, there are lots of great blogs out there which give a realistic view of life within a relationship which is considered by the author to be D/s, DD, TTWD or whatever you want to call it. They are all different, as you would expect, so I would recommend that you read and get a flavour of what you think you would or wouldn’t like, and what you think would or wouldn’t, work for you. Being open to difference is so important if you want to discover more about yourself, and so rather than suggesting that you follow me on The One True Way to Eden, I would suggest following a couple of blogs and finding Your Own Way.