So here it is. The end of term and I made it! Yippeeeeeee. I have to admit I felt I was hanging on there by a silken thread at points this week but my pupils have all gone home, my desk is tidy, and my out of office auto reply has been set until 21st August. Goodbye Miss M and hello missy. Which brings me to thinking about my summer of submission. Having such a long break is a real treat. It allows me to have time to focus on some of the things that I don’t always have the hours or the energy to do during a normal working week, so I am really looking forward to it very much.
Saturday mornings are one of the scheduled times that HisLordship and I devote to honest, open discussion and I am pretty sure that tomorrow the 7 week break will be on the agenda. He will expect me to have something to contribute so I decided to have a think about the things that I would like to work on during my time at home with him. I know that he will want me to have a rest, re-charge and just spend time doing things with him and the children. He will also encourage me, I hope, to continue to focus on exercise and being healthy so that I can feel positive about myself. If these things aren’t mentioned then I will bring them up as it is important to me that I am able to continue to do the things the he usually expects of me in terms of taking care of myself. I will, however, have a greater amount of time so hopefully I can push that a bit further than I usually would manage.
Apart from doing all of the usual things I do, but better than I usually do them, one of the things that I would like is for him to help me to work on my mindset. I would like us to step things up a bit and to work on being able to submit more easily to him. By this, I mean that I would like him to take more of my will by asking more of me, which I think will be much easier when we are around each other all day as well as having the evenings. Obviously I have the usual rules and rituals which really help me to keep my mindset, but during the week there is a lot of time when I am in a work environment and am focussed on other people and their issues. We have built in a number of things which help me to transition to the head space that I need to be in at home, and that is working well, but it will be different when I am at home all day.
There will be more opportunity for Sir to ask things of me that he would not usually do and I am looking forward to that. Having said that, it isn’t always easy for me. Because it is not the norm, I will carry out his instruction or command, but inside my head there will sometimes be questions. These are the sort of questions that plagued me at the start of our D/s journey and I have made a lot of progress in that department. I quickly stopped voicing them out loud, and over time, the internal monologue has pretty much faded for the situations that are expected and familiar. The time together will bring new opportunities though, and I confess that I am not always as good as I would like to be at managing those demands and keeping my thoughts as submissive.
So I think that what I would like is for us to be able to step things up, for Sir to ask more of me than he usually would, and to be firmer with me in terms of insisting that I carry out the tasks in a submissive way. Although I don’t like to think it, I am sure he sometimes notices a slight hesitation or a particular expression which will be the outward sign that inwardly, I am questioning. I also think that this puts him off making the more spontaneous requests of me and that is not something that is going to help us to grow and move forward in the way that we want to. I am not convinced I will ever be able to think as submissively as I would like but I do think that there is room for improvement and this is something that I would like to try to address if we can.
I am not going to make the mistake of rushing with excitement into this break, hoping that I can make huge changes, and experience has taught me that it is the little steps that count. As with everything, I think that if you can embed these changes slowly but surely, they will be the glue that sticks when things become more challenging, as they are bound to do. The time to indulge in being together is limited and so we need to have things which are sustainable when things flip back. I am sure that Sir will have other things which he wants us to address and that is part of the fun and the excitement. There will be more time for play, for talk, for fun. More time for working on personal goals and getting those things done that we never get around to. More time to blog and to do the things that we love and more time to spend with each other. So YAY: School’s out for the summer!
Posted in Submissive Journal.