I think I have said before that a D/s marriage is not all bells and whistles. The physical part of the relationship is amazing of course but much of the time you are a regular couple doing regular couple things. That is why I have always stressed that the emotional connection you have to each other is really important and has to be fed and nurtured in the same way that they physical side does if you want to get the most from each other and from your relationship. I think that it has taken me a long time to be ok with the fact that sometimes things are quieter and a bit less action packed, and to feel comfortable with the reality that we are just ticking along nicely thank you very much.
Previously I have felt pressure to step things up and I have felt that if we were not actively doing this then we were not actually doing this. That is not the case and I now feel much more relaxed about the fact that this has become such a solid part of who we are and what we do, that sometimes it is hard to really see it play out in front of you. I suppose it is like paddling down a river. Sometimes there are rapids which are fast paced and exciting, sometimes there is gentle water that helps you just flow along effortlessly and sometimes you want to stop awhile and enjoy the view from where you are. As long as you are together then these can all be fun things to do and can be equally important as part of your journey.
At the moment I am tired. Like I mean exhausted tired. I think any other teachers out there will relate but with four weeks of this academic year to go, I am literally crawling to the finish line. It must be psychological of course and because my mind knows that I am going to have a break soon, my body is giving up. My father-in-law mocks me all the time for being on a permanent holiday and I know that we can’t complain compared to other jobs, but it really is tough and we do need those breaks. I love my job but it is emotionally draining and my battery at the moment is low. It’s like the warning on my phone; I have entered low power mode and not all functionality is available without risking a crash, and that is affecting things. But what I am relieved to feel is that closeness to Sir despite us being less active.
My energy levels are low so there are more hugs and kisses, more snuggling up on the sofa, and more melting into his arms. I am enjoying the smell of his skin and the sound of his breathing next to me. I am falling asleep in his arms and waking up to nestle into his chest. He is making allowances for me and I appreciate that. He is still making demands of me and I appreciate that too; I know that he has altered his expectations and his care to fit the current need. All of these things work to make me feel incredibly close to him. It doesn’t feel that there is a lack at all, it feels like he is all around me and it is as intoxicating and intense as the connection that comes from a scene, although it has come about in a different way.
Ticking along nicely is good. I feel that we are in sync and are moving together. It feels good to be in time with someone else, almost like breathing together, and at the moment when I am feeling weaker I am able to take strength from that. The early fear of needing someone has been firmly replaced with the comfort that comes from knowing that someone else is there for you and has your back. Sir has had such a hard year and he has made it clear that he appreciates the support that I have been to him. It is almost like I have held it all together while I had to and now that he is in a better place himself, I am able to let go, fall backwards and have him catch me. Not a scary fast fall, but a really slow motion drift which sends me gradually floating into into his arms to land on a soft pillow together.