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Being nothing

 

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Sometimes I want to be nothing.  It is a curious feeling and is part of a fantasy which I sometimes have.  It has only come along in the last few years, since the D/s and the power play has become much more of a formalised thing for us. During a scene or play, I can acquire that feeling where I seem to leave myself and float on another plane, a bit like something that was nothing would.  But this is a bit different to that. I want to be aware of being nothing, because it has happened as a conscious process, rather than it happening as part of what occurs naturally.  I want the knowledge that I have been slowly reduced and stripped back until I am no longer part of myself, if that makes sense.

I realise that this is all a bit abstract and, more than likely, a little odd. I think that somehow I have developed a taste for the freedom and for the leaving behind of what I see as holding me back at times.  Don’t get me wrong: I love my life and consider myself very fortunate.  Yes, we have the ups and downs and challenges that are a natural part of the shifting scenery of life, but we do have what is important to us and consider ourselves very fortunate on a number of different levels. I don’t think that my reality holds me back in a negative sense, more that there is one part that grounds me and another part that can be freed and allowed to fly. And I think that I realise that I still have further to go and the desire to go there, and this is the crux of the fantasy to be nothing.

I also think that the further I go on this journey, the more I become aware of my primal self.  We are all animals in part and to throw away the sophistication that life has given us and return to the instinctive ways of our nature certainly has an increasing appeal.  I think that as the layers that have been slowly built up by convention, a desire to please and a need to fit in, are removed and my inner self is exposed, I become more intrigued by what is hidden underneath.  If you could be certain that you were safe from judgement, ridicule and harm, wouldn’t you want to follow your instincts and explore? And I suppose that really, that is all that I want to do.  I have been stuck, like so many, in a situation which made it impossible before, but the tables have turned now and I honestly think there is nothing in my way.

So I suppose that I don’t actually want to be nothing.  I just want to be none of the conscious me and I want to become something that is the other me – the unknown, the undeveloped, the restricted, the reserved and the held-back.  I want to let go completely and go even further than I have gone with that before.  In my fantasies, in a disjointed way, it happens, but I am not sure what it would actually take and it is, after all , only a feeling that I get myself to in my head. In reality, the closest I have come has been when I have lost awareness and given myself up somewhat consciously, so although I have reached the destination, I have not gone there as the other, so it is partly  the awareness that I want and to be able to be aware myself of what I actually become.

I do realise what it will take of course.  It will take for me to be completely broken. I don’t think that for me this will come through pain, or for that fact through pleasure, although we have come close.  I believe that for me the answer will lie in humiliation.  I think that to break me, Sir will have to reduce me to even less than he has before. Because of how I am stacked and my concern with how others see me, he will have to see me as even he never has in order to allow this to happen, and that is a frightening thing.  To let go of the things that I am able to hold on to through our setting of limits is something that I am not sure I can ask for. Perhaps that is what I am doing here although I think that in reality this is just me taking a step closer to the thing that I want but am afraid of.

You see I really do need him.  I have asked for his Dominance and given him my submission but this final step has to come from him. It isn’t the sort of thing that I can give; it has to be taken. And taken with no option. It has to be resistant to my pleading and my begging and my manipulation and all for the usual tricks that can be hiding up my sleeve. For only in that can I completely lose myself and be entirely exposed to him.  It is a worrying thought as I know that it won’t be pretty, but really that is the point.  I suppose what I am saying is that I know that to grow fully in all of this, I need to be conquered completely, for only as nothing can I become what I truly am.

If you are left a little confused by this post then that is probably because I am too.  But it was in my head and I felt that there could be some advantage in drawing it out.  And if you aren’t confused because you see in it some sense that you understand, then please feel free to enlighten me either by comment or by email.  Until then I hand myself and my stuff over to Sir for further deliberation. I did tell him that my fantasies were difficult to share because they are piecemeal snapshots of things that may or may not be. They are stilted cinematic snapshots, but the gaps are filled by the emotion that would come from an erotic story.  They are words and feelings and thoughts and they are things that turn me on but things which are way past the boundaries which I would ever allow.  Which, I suppose, is why I have chosen submission; because I do not want control.  I want someone to listen and make sense and take me where they know that I need to be.

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Being nothing

  1. The watercolor painting looks like you. 🙂

    When I was a teenager, I was heavy into Zen Buddhism. During zazen—meditation—the goal is to not have a goal: to let go of everything and float in nothingness. If you felt your attention wander, you could raise your hands in a prayer position over your head, and the master would whack you on the shoulders with a stave to refocus your attention.

    You see yourself, missy, as someone who needs to be broken. I see you as someone who has to let go. They are the same, from different perspectives. The thing is, you wear so many different layers—mother, wife, daughter, ex, worker bee, breadwinner, submissive—that the strain of being all those separate and sometimes secret people, has you longing to be taken away from yourself and reduced to whatever His Lordship decides.

    The humiliation you reference is obvious to those that call you friend: You want/need/fear being displayed naked to others. You are afraid that when Sir demands that of you, people who see you will either turn away in disgust and loathing or ever worse, laugh at your pretension that you are beautiful.

    You are not a marble statue in a museum, missy, but a flesh and blood woman who lived most her life hiding from your true nature. D/s has allowed/forced you to see yourself through other eyes. It’s no wonder you want to be nothingness.

    But breaking does not mean Humpty-Dumpty. After all, breaking the habit is looked at as being positive. All those different roles you play every single day are not in conflict with each other, but rather, the wonderful whole of missy, a woman I am glad to call my friend, and someone who is very strong, and should be very proud of her place in the nothing that is the world.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You are right that it is not about being literally broken and it is about letting go but I think perhaps it is about being forced to do that rather than consciously going with it. Maybe it is the point where I completely give up control, rather than giving up control within the negotiated boundaries that we have set?

      Liked by 2 people

      • It all comes down to trust, missy, that Sir will never willfully harm you. Being ‘forced’ to do something that pushes the boundaries, is completely different than surrendering all need for boundaries at all. Everyone has hard limits—for good reasons—but if believe in your nothingness deep within that Sir loves you, respects you, protects you and thinks you are the greatest thing that has ever happened in his life, then why have boundaries at all?

        Fear of exposure is not limited to D/s. We all fear being exposed as frauds. But in then end, missy, there should be only one person’s opinion that matters. His. And if he says you are beautiful, then you are.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. your words do so strike so many cords – always. firstly – “way past the boundaries that i would ever allow”…. do you have boundaries…

    With Master – i have no boundaries. None whatsoever… even feet. i have a horror of pain on my feet as they are the most sensitive of things… but now even that have been put aside – (don’t tell Master)…

    Seriously though – do you have boundaries – because if you do – boundary is the same as a brick impenetrable wall… This wall being knocked down … this would be a good idea….

    Sub Space – i think maybe you are feeling “sub space”. i have come to the conclusion that although some say it is only one thing – i do believe that it is so very different for most.

    i do so love the way you write

    Liked by 3 people

      • These … These you need to let go of… take down the wall and remove the boundaries…

        Like

      • well yes and no. more maybe of commanding the very things that you are wary of…

        He being there will show you that you really had nothing to fear in the first place – because He is there to catch you x But He must give you no choice.
        does that make sense

        Liked by 1 person

      • smiles – absolutely – one of the thousand reasons for this kinky life being so delicious – is time. Nothing is rushed, everything is slowly explored, a life time of learning about each other – our changes, likes and dislikes. I think it is what makes it so very precious. There is nothing wham bam about our lives…

        Liked by 2 people

      • letting go of our past preconceptions – trusting another that He loves us so much that our imperfections are really our perfections…

        Liked by 2 people

  3. This post reflected on something I have been feeling for a bit now. Almost in an opposing way as you see it. I’ll admit I found the post a little confusing, but here is my take.

    I am seeking to be more of who I am in society…. the person I see myself is being restricted because of outside influences and it sucks. I see that it holds me back in my own emotional development because I see other people being so free and I’m not sure if I can do it too.

    Having always had emotional insecurities in relationships, although I completely trust my Dom and care for him, I have a hard time avoiding the insecurities that arise in me and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m yearning to break out more in other parts of life.

    My Dom is not someone I’m in a long term-romantic relationship with. I’ve known him for years before we started this and he understands that I need to emotionally and sexually move slow because it is like my kryptonite. It’s hard though now because I think so much more romantically of him and want to express it but forsee it making things worse in the end because I don’t know if I can handle it.

    So, my opposite take is that I need to free myself of the social chains in order to better serve and care for him, rather than focus on what he can push me to be in order to be free.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Abigail and thank you for sharing that. I have no experience of being submissive in a relationship other than the one I have now so it is hard to say whether I would still feel the same if this was not a marriage. I have gained in strength and freedom in both my public and private life since we adopted a D/s lifestyle, but I realise that this is an ongoing thing. I am also not open about our lifestyle in my public life; this is something that I would like to do but do not feel that it is an option for us at the moment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think it is beautiful the way you did interpret your thoughts, as you can trust him to challenge and push you in order to reach that point you are seeking. I’m hoping someday I will be in a relationship like that where I can be that, but perhaps I will have to find more comfort in myself to give that trust to someone else, and the responsibility, of course, as my current partner and I are not as committed in that sense.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It is something special, scary and exciting but it will a very special moment between both of you. Someone once told me “it’s not a one and done” which means you don’t have to get it perfect the first time because that’s the only chance you’ll get. You can do it in parts or until you use your safeword. I actually didn’t think it would be humiliation. An important part of this kind of fantasy is after you need him to reassure you lots, it’s kind of like a role and your rational mind knows he didn’t mean those things but it won’t always feel that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Break a Little | Spank Me Hard! ... Please?

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