Sometimes I want to be nothing. It is a curious feeling and is part of a fantasy which I sometimes have. It has only come along in the last few years, since the D/s and the power play has become much more of a formalised thing for us. During a scene or play, I can acquire that feeling where I seem to leave myself and float on another plane, a bit like something that was nothing would. But this is a bit different to that. I want to be aware of being nothing, because it has happened as a conscious process, rather than it happening as part of what occurs naturally. I want the knowledge that I have been slowly reduced and stripped back until I am no longer part of myself, if that makes sense.
I realise that this is all a bit abstract and, more than likely, a little odd. I think that somehow I have developed a taste for the freedom and for the leaving behind of what I see as holding me back at times. Don’t get me wrong: I love my life and consider myself very fortunate. Yes, we have the ups and downs and challenges that are a natural part of the shifting scenery of life, but we do have what is important to us and consider ourselves very fortunate on a number of different levels. I don’t think that my reality holds me back in a negative sense, more that there is one part that grounds me and another part that can be freed and allowed to fly. And I think that I realise that I still have further to go and the desire to go there, and this is the crux of the fantasy to be nothing.
I also think that the further I go on this journey, the more I become aware of my primal self. We are all animals in part and to throw away the sophistication that life has given us and return to the instinctive ways of our nature certainly has an increasing appeal. I think that as the layers that have been slowly built up by convention, a desire to please and a need to fit in, are removed and my inner self is exposed, I become more intrigued by what is hidden underneath. If you could be certain that you were safe from judgement, ridicule and harm, wouldn’t you want to follow your instincts and explore? And I suppose that really, that is all that I want to do. I have been stuck, like so many, in a situation which made it impossible before, but the tables have turned now and I honestly think there is nothing in my way.
So I suppose that I don’t actually want to be nothing. I just want to be none of the conscious me and I want to become something that is the other me – the unknown, the undeveloped, the restricted, the reserved and the held-back. I want to let go completely and go even further than I have gone with that before. In my fantasies, in a disjointed way, it happens, but I am not sure what it would actually take and it is, after all , only a feeling that I get myself to in my head. In reality, the closest I have come has been when I have lost awareness and given myself up somewhat consciously, so although I have reached the destination, I have not gone there as the other, so it is partly the awareness that I want and to be able to be aware myself of what I actually become.
I do realise what it will take of course. It will take for me to be completely broken. I don’t think that for me this will come through pain, or for that fact through pleasure, although we have come close. I believe that for me the answer will lie in humiliation. I think that to break me, Sir will have to reduce me to even less than he has before. Because of how I am stacked and my concern with how others see me, he will have to see me as even he never has in order to allow this to happen, and that is a frightening thing. To let go of the things that I am able to hold on to through our setting of limits is something that I am not sure I can ask for. Perhaps that is what I am doing here although I think that in reality this is just me taking a step closer to the thing that I want but am afraid of.
You see I really do need him. I have asked for his Dominance and given him my submission but this final step has to come from him. It isn’t the sort of thing that I can give; it has to be taken. And taken with no option. It has to be resistant to my pleading and my begging and my manipulation and all for the usual tricks that can be hiding up my sleeve. For only in that can I completely lose myself and be entirely exposed to him. It is a worrying thought as I know that it won’t be pretty, but really that is the point. I suppose what I am saying is that I know that to grow fully in all of this, I need to be conquered completely, for only as nothing can I become what I truly am.
If you are left a little confused by this post then that is probably because I am too. But it was in my head and I felt that there could be some advantage in drawing it out. And if you aren’t confused because you see in it some sense that you understand, then please feel free to enlighten me either by comment or by email. Until then I hand myself and my stuff over to Sir for further deliberation. I did tell him that my fantasies were difficult to share because they are piecemeal snapshots of things that may or may not be. They are stilted cinematic snapshots, but the gaps are filled by the emotion that would come from an erotic story. They are words and feelings and thoughts and they are things that turn me on but things which are way past the boundaries which I would ever allow. Which, I suppose, is why I have chosen submission; because I do not want control. I want someone to listen and make sense and take me where they know that I need to be.