Sir has been away from home since Monday and won’t return until tomorrow. The time without him has highlighted how much both me, and our lifestyle have changed since we became D/s. Unlike previous trips, this time he left in a hurry so there was no time to prepare, and I was caught a bit off guard. It has made me aware just how much I have come to rely on him both emotionally and physically. Now he was always a very loving and supportive partner and even before we dated, we were friends, and I knew that he was only ever a call away if I needed something, but this is different. This is about the everyday, maintenance and support that comes with being deeply connected to another person.
I suppose that I have slowly adjusted to having less and less control over things in my own life. It doesn’t feel like that of course becasue we discuss things at length and then a decision is made, but there a lots of things now that happen because Sir says they will happen and being on my own has made me momentarily look for him to tell me. I know what to do obviously; I have run a house and made decisions on my own for long enough to be able to slip back into it, but when that has become a shared thing, it feels rather odd to be doing it solo again. I realised on Monday that I was actually a bit more stressed than I would normally be over some of the same things and I think that this was why. Suddenly I had responsibility for everything again and I didn’t feel in control, because I haven’t been
I got round this very quickly by slipping into taking control of everything. Routines and procedures were super tight and there was not the relaxed feel to the way things have been done recently. I felt a little more like I was doing battle with the world. And this did not end with the daily chores. Coming back from work with no one to help to lift the weight was also noticeable. In order to build the emotional connection we must be open with each other and share the thoughts and feelings that are tying us to another world, or at least a set of people and problems beyond the ones within these four walls. This has meant that I have become used to shedding that skin when I come home and relaxing into being someone slightly different. Not doing that was a bit hard and during the evenings I felt a sense of something being missing. I think it is the quality of the experience. Nothing is quite as shiny or quite as bright and it feels a little more routine and predictable.
So the time apart has made me realise how entwined our lives really are. I recognise how much we operate day to day as a pair, a unit, and how much we support one another. I know, of course that I can still do it all if I have to. Maybe not as well as we do things together and certainly not as easily or as enjoyable, but it would be possible. I am glad, however, that I don’t have to do this anymore. I have a situation where I have someone who loves and adores me and who is attentive to my needs and protects and nurtures me. Time and distance could transcend that and I know that if we were to be apart for long we would create new structures and routines in order to address that very thing, and we would find a new way of being that worked for us. But is has been interesting to notice just how much we have adjusted to this dynamic and how strange it feels to be managing, even if only for a couple of days, on my own.