In his recent post, What’s the Kick?, HisLordship wrote,”I like seeing my wife on display for me, and for kicks I like to think of sharing that experience with others.” This has got me to thinking about where this could actually go and I have to admit that it is met by me with a mixture of fear and excitement. A lot of the things that turn me on are to do with feeling a degree of Humiliation so I do get the idea of others seeing what is happening and therefore enhancing the experience, but really I am torn. The truly submissive side of me would probably agree like a shot but the more rational sensible side which my natural submissive shares with the mother, the teacher the daughter etc pushes back through a sense of self preservation. To be exposed within my other communities would not be a positive step for me right now and it is not something that I want to do.
That being said, I realise that Sir will always have my welfare at the fore and that any decision as to where we go will ultimately be his. And having expressed my concerns, my role is to trust and to follow, knowing that he has my back (and very possibly my naked front too!) Such is the way this dynamic allows you to grow. I express my fantasies, my desires and also my apprehensions and Sir’s job is to balance all of that and decide how he takes it and shapes it so that I can grow, not just as a submissive but as a person as well. This is a real positive for me. My previous need to be in control of, and prepared for, every eventuality was actually quite limiting and held me back. In finding Sir I found my rock, my safe place and the wings I needed in order to be able to really fly.
It is always a key part of this sort of dynamic to put the needs of the other ahead of your own, so safety and welfare accepted, I really feel that Sir’s desire to have me exposed, for his own pleasure, and possibly on occasion to be seen by others, has to be taken seriously. I do realise that if I am very unhappy with it that I could draw a line by declaring a hard limit or by safe wording but like he said, barring a few exceptions we do have a ‘never say never’ policy, so most things really are worth serious consideration. And, despite my reservations, I have tried. With a bit of a shove from him when necessary, I have got past some of my issues re photos and have sat quietly while he posted some of the more subtle pictures, rather than expressing my fear and anxiety about what others would think and whether or not I could be identified through them.
I think some of my reluctance is that to connect with the side of me that wants to be exposed, then I need to be caught up in the eroticism of the act. And the same things that Sir finds a turn on don’t necessarily work for me. I like to please him of course, but to reveal my body to others will mean that often I focus on the parts of my body that I am unhappy with or embarrassed about, and that will detract from the experience itself. In order to leave my fears and inhibitions behind, I have to be set free by focussing on my submission instead. When that happens then I can let go and enjoy what is laid out in front of me and finally get out of my own head. My focus shifts completely to him and I am carried along by his direction and instruction of me.
A good example of this was during one of the times that we grabbed a much needed hotel break together. Part of one of our scenes involved Sir taking some pictures. Initially I was self conscious and probably a bit wooden, but as I let myself go and became what he wanted, it became much easier of course. At one point he had removed my knickers so I was left in only my heels, corset and gloves and he told me to go outside of the room, close the door behind me, stand in the corridor and count to ten, then knock and wait for an answer. It really was not until I saw the pictures the next day that it dawned on me that I had taken a risk that I would usually have shied away from. At the time I am not sure I even felt the exhilaration in the risk that I took; I was just caught up in the thrill of being his and the trust I felt that meant that I accepted rather that questioned.
I guess my point is that when I lose myself to my better self and see myself as he wants me to be, then I can be far more sexy and brave and spontaneous than when I am drawn back into my own head with the issues that sometimes pull me back down. With his help I can let the real me take over and I can be the person who only needs to make him happy. That is what frees me from life, from the expectations of others and from seeking the approval of those who perhaps will never understand. The rest fades away; I have one thing to think about and in doing so everything becomes simple and is reduced to what really matters. This whole journey so far has shown me just how much I have limited myself in the past and I firmly believe that without the trust I have in HisLordship I would not be able to grow in the way that I have.
As to my future exposure, who knows? I find myself more inclined to just follow than I ever have before. I will continue to express my concerns and fears through our open conversations and I trust that Sir will continue to listen and to keep me safe. Not so safe that we become lost in what others expect, but safe enough that we can keep hold of the things that we value and want to achieve together. Life is for living but I really believe that the quality of the experiences we have together are what is important. So watch that naked space!