I find that sometimes I can become caught up in life and become passive rather that active in affecting how things play out in our relationship. As a submissive I can justify this, thinking that I have offered myself, therefore I have done my part. But really that is not being fair to my relationship, or to HisLordship. Being submissive does not mean that I am not responsible for contributing in a positive and active way, although it is easy to fall into that, and sometimes when I take stock I realise that my actions have been quite passively submissive. Is it right for me to expect action from my Dominant, simply because I have offered myself in an open-ended way? I am laughing at that expression, considering the type of activity we often engage in. True, I am open (both ends) for use as he sees fit but have I done my part just because this offer is on the table?
Which sort of proves my point as if Sir wished to take me on the table then of course he could, but the other day when I suggested it he was delighted. I made this offer as he had hurt his back and I wondered if me being on the kitchen table might offer a more comfortable position for him, but for him it was more than that. I think that sometimes, even in D/s, we can become a bit stagnant, and the pressure on a Dom to be the inspiration as well as the planning and the action seems a little unfair at times. Of course it is lovely when this happens but it is also great for him if I have been the inspiration and done some planning or preparation of my own. I don’t think that this is topping from the bottom (the ultimate insult for a submissive) but simply being active in the relationship.
Sir is firmly in control but if I make a suggestion or act or say something particular then he often really likes it. He will decide when or where he wants to take it of course. I think that he likes it because although he knows that he has me, he still wants to know that I want him. He said that he found it hard at the start as although I told him I wanted him and showed him with my responses he felt that wasn’t the same as me acting upon it. So now I do, but probably not as much as he would like. So I got to thinking that although I was a sure thing because the offer was permanently there, I should offer myself a bit more obviously than usual. This is always tricky as the thought that I might be rejected somehow always makes me anxious. The thought that I am giving him my body, and I have some underlying issues with how I see myself also adds to this tension. But that is often a good starting point to build upon.
Although I am being active, I have to be in a completely submissive frame of mind to do this which is interesting. First of all, I have to overcome any issues I have by focussing on what he wants and needs from me. This places me firmly in a submissive mindset even though I am instigating a potential play session. It also makes me feel incredibly vulnerable as I have had to put myself out there for rejection if he chooses not to take me up on my offer or suggestion. This means, conversely, that if he does go with it I am humbled and immensely grateful to him for playing along, things which also play well into the submissive mindset and quickly allow me to forget myself and slip deeply into that feeling of being his. So as I lie there with my face pressed into the sheet, my palms at either side of my head and my bum in the air, I wait for him to finish his bath, and I empty my mind of the trials of the day. I think about him and how he will react when he sees me and what he will do with me. I feel excited and nervous, safe and sexy, and small but significant.