HisLordship was away for a couple of days this week. It is a while since we spent time apart and I was reminded of how intensely I feel his presence, even in his absence. The depth of our connection means that although I crave his physical touch, his emotional one is still there. It is a tangible thing and to have that distance between us feels like wearing a coat that has been made for someone else. It might look pretty much the same and it might provide the same level of warmth and protection against the elements but it is not quite so snug as the one you usually wear. Being apart reminds me not only of what I have when he is here with me, but also of the intensity that means even when he isn’t physically with me, I can still feel the effects of him. Although it is always nice to be together, it is comforting to know that distance does not have to separate us.In this sort of relationship I think that the physical and the emotional blur. For me, they can not really be separated any more; one is an extension of the other and they are both part of the continual circle of action and reaction, of give and take, and of Dominance and submission. I think that not having him here with me meant that I was on my own, but I wasn’t if that makes sense. I realised how much he is there on a day to day basis to catch my mood and work with it in a variety of ways. Obviously in his absence, this didn’t happen in quite the same way, but because of the intimacy we have built up, I found that my thoughts quickly turned to him and that he still influenced how I felt and reacted to whatever it was that was going on.
I find increasingly that this life we have made together is one of seeming contradictions and opposites, where the lines between the differences become blurred and indistinct. On this occasion I felt our separation keenly, but also felt closer to him because of it. In the same way that the seeming opposites of pleasure and pain become blurred and indistinguishable for me when we play, so too I see other emotions being experienced in this way. I think that as time goes by, I am experiencing things in a different way than I did before. I felt a need for the usual support I would have if Sir were at home, but I also felt the usual safety and calm he gives me when I thought about missing him.
Being apart also gave me the opportunity to see our everyday life in a different way. We have busy lives and follow a routine where the ups and downs are managed, logistics are taken care of and the focus is very much on family life, supporting one another and enjoying time together. To be honest, event though we know this, I think that we are so much part of the hustle and bustle that we don’t always see it play out. Focus becomes on the small things and sometimes it takes a change to make you see the bigger picture. This happened recently when we had our friends over from Norway. Having them there while our children interacted and engaged with one another helped me to see our family from the outside and feel how lucky we are.
The same has been true of this trip. Sir not being there meant that I saw the children in a different way. I watched them move to help me fill the gap that was left, in subtle but thoughtful ways. When he returned early this morning I expected to have a few hours alone to chat about his trip. Waking a house full of teens is not a job I revel in and, as today is the first day of the holidays, I had no intention of making my life harder. We have a rule that the kitchen closes at 10 am so unless you are up before that, breakfast is off the menu. Invariably this means that we do not have the pleasure of their company until much closer to lunchtime so we often take advantage of this to talk without listening ears. I have to say I was shocked this morning, considering the early hour, to see the first and second appear within minutes of hearing his voice and then to watch the others arrive one after the other to join us at the kitchen table.
Blending a family is not an easy thing to do, and although Sir and I hoped that we could make it work we were aware that it can easily go wrong. We were idealistic in hoping that if our love and commitment to each other, and to them, was strong enough that it would draw them into the centre of it with us. The structure of D/s has really helped and the clarity of our roles has meant that things work, usually fairly harmoniously. More and more I can see this influencing how we are as a family as well as how we are as a couple. One of my doctrines has always been that if you don’t model what you teach, you are teaching something else, and more and more I am able to see what we have with each other, reflected in what we have as a family. Clearly the kinky BDSM stuff is all well and truly hidden (we hope) but the respect, honesty and love is there.