One of the things that I like about being online and having a presence here on WordPress and twitter is that I am exposed to lots of different views, opinions and ideas about relationships and dynamics which have things in common to mine. I think that this is a positive thing for me as it allows me to think more deeply about some of the aspects of how others make things work and this can have an impact on my own ideas. This is what growth is all about and by sharing and listening to others, I am able to learn. It has been refreshing to find other people who share some of the same struggles and some of the same highs. I think that it is human nature to seek others who feel the same way about things, particularly when you are involved in something that some may not accept openly.
One thing that has surprised me recently has come from reading links to articles on twitter. I have become aware of a growing number of people who believe in some of the same things that I do – namely centred around the happiness that can be found in a D/s marriage – but with other glaring differences. There seems to be a large group of men, with a considerable following, who believe that all women are naturally submissive and that as a man you just need to dominate them (often this seems to be through sex) and they will be happy to be put in their rightful place. They talk of feminism as an evil which has been thrust upon society and has led to the subjugation of men. They see it as a failed social experiment and tell of the dangers of allowing equality between the sexes.
I struggle with so much of this. To be submissive to my husband does not mean that I am not his equal. It means that we have different roles, each of which are equally important to the success of the relationship. I am not incapable of leading but I choose rather to support his lead. Equally well he is not inept at providing care and empathy for our children although he chooses to leave much of the day to day care to me. We communication with one another frequently and he does not let me feel that he ever sees me as having less value, importance or ability than him. Actually quite the opposite – he makes me feel all of those things in abundance as I hope that I do that for him too. Surely it is not the ability of one to be naturally predisposed to certain tasks because of their sex, but for each to play to their strengths so that you can work together more harmoniously and effectively?
Another thing that I struggle with is that often the viewpoint of these people can seem so statement based that it doesn’t allow for the differences between people. For example, saying that women can not control their emotions in the same way that a healthy male can, or that a woman is incapable of the level of strategic thinking that a man is. These sort of generalisations would not inspire respect in me to the speaker, even if he did have a penis. And while I am no stranger to cock worship within my own relationship, I do not find myself kneeling at the alter of the unknown penis just because its owner is male. That seems nonsensical to me. To command respect you have to do more than just demand it because you feel it is rightfully yours on an anatomical basis, but this is a point that seems sometimes to be missed.
Perhaps it is a cultural thing but I do not hear many men around me claiming that equality and feminism have marginalised them so I am always surprised at the strong following to these views. Around me I see people who are all different, and I see gender identity as being on a continuum in the same way that gender expression is. I believe that what is at the heart is the person and that people should be seen as individuals and that differences are welcomed. I do not think that I am less of a woman because I have a job or that my husband is less of a man because I contribute to the economic stability of our family. We earn a living, we care for our family, and while we enjoy our jobs, we care more about the happiness of our family and the relationships that are dear to us, than about the material possessions we have. We have a vision which is a shared one. Does it change as our life moves forwards and we meet challenges and successes? Of course it does and through open communication we are able to make sure that we make that move forward together.
I am a strong and capable woman, able to hold my own in the workplace. I am skilled in what I do and know that I do a good job. Am I supported and made stronger by my husband? Certainly. He offers encouragement, direction and help when it is needed. He supports me when things are difficult and celebrates in my success in the same way I support and celebrate with him. We are are a couple and work together as a team. Neither one is worth more than the other because we are two essential parts of one whole. Do we have different strengths and different roles? Yes of course we do and, for us, living as submissive and Dominant really works but there is no way that I think it would work for everyone. Any relationship needs time and effort and understanding and connections and roles can’t be forced or assumed on the basis of gender.
If a woman wishes to stay at home to raise her children then that should be her choice. If she wishes to focus her efforts on a career then that should also be her choice. If she is in a relationship which she wants to make work then these choices should be made in consultation with her partner. Should males have equal rights to choose what they want? Yes of course they should, and I believe that they do. I do not understand this idea that men have been emasculated by feminism. If men wish to have a life where they are the breadwinner and their wife raises the kids then they surely have the choice to do that? I would argue, however, that we all need to find a life partner whose ideas align with our own if we wish to be happy. It is wrong to think that because you dominate a woman she will submit to you. Submission is a choice. It is a gift that is given in the same way that Dominance is and it can no more be forced than love can. Dominance and submission are two things which are complimentary and they cannot exist effectively in isolation.
The foundations of any good relationship are respect, honesty, trust and open communication. These things will be earned and built over time in a relationship where there is love and understanding of each other. Of course the behaviour of one partner can enhance and further the behaviour of the other but I don’t think that it can change who you really are. If all women were naturally submissive and wished to stay at home to take care of the house and the kids then there would have never been a fight for equality and the right to different choices in the first place. Am I happy being submissive to my husband? Yes I am. And I am happier living this way than I have ever been before. Am I happier than other people living different dynamics? How would I know? If it works then great and if it doesn’t then change it. If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see then have the courage to change it, but do what is right for you and don’t be afraid to challenge those who tell you to think in a certain way. To think that we all need the same thing is naive, so concentrate on finding the shoe that fits for you.