Recently we had cause to consider whether or not His Lordship should accept work which meant us living apart for some of the time. This was a tough decision. Obviously the usual pros and cons had to be taken into account, but how it affected our D/s was also a large consideration. We talked about our relationship and both agreed that although we thought it could sustain the distance; we wouldn’t know until we tried of course, but we feel that our marriage is strong and we didn’t see it affecting the way we feel about each other. However, how we would make our Dominance and submission work is a much more complicated question and we both knew it would certainly look a lot different to the way it is now.
I should say that, for the meantime, living apart due to work commitments is not something that we are doing although we haven’t ruled out the fact that it could well happen in the future. Needs must sometimes and I think that if you are positive and have a ‘can do’ approach then these things can be made to work, but it was interesting being in a situation where it seemed that it might be a real possibility. For me, there were practical things to consider and there was also the emotional side, but I think that it was the loss of the physical closeness that was my key concern and that surprised me. I feel that I write much more about the emotional than the physical and that reflects the importance of the role it plays in us having a successful relationship so I was a bit surprised when I thought about how significant the loss of the ease of having a physical connection would be.
So clearly, the physical is much more significant than I thought. I tried to imagine how we would be if we were apart. I thought through how we would use the structure to communicate in the same way – could picture how that might work. And although I would have responsibility for everything at home, that would be because that was what he needed from me, so that part of it was still a good fit. I am fairly confident that I would still need, seek and get the emotional support from HisLordship that I do now, but I wouldn’t have that physical part. Not in the way that I do now at least. I realise that it is possible through technology to connect on that level and we are not strangers to sending picture messages and face-timing when apart. Before we were together properly we had to communicate via phone and text so it’s not something that we are altogether new at, but it is something that we don’t have to rely on usually. When Sir has been away for work etc before, it has been for a short period and we have both put in a lot of effort but when I thought about it as a long term option, I wasn’t sure we would sustain that if it became our everyday life.
I guess that really I felt that without the physical, I wouldn’t be ‘doing’ D/s. Which is crazy because my blog stands as testament to my belief that, for us, TTWD it is not about the kink, but I have realised that actually the kink is much more important to me than I have given it credit for. I had referred to it as the icing on the cake – it finishes it off but actually the sponge is good on its own. But now I realise that for me it is actually the thing that makes the finished cake. It enhances and completes what lies underneath. I should also say that I don’t mean in any way to question the many long term, long distance D/s relationships that are out there. This thought process was about us and about what we have and what we are. I think also that it would have taken us time to see how we managed it and how we adapted and, I suppose, how far we wanted to take things. I say often enough that this thing is organic and I am sure we would have adapted but I found myself feeling sad that I wouldn’t be able to blog as I would have nothing to say, which made me question what I thought that being D/s entails for us.
My overwhelming feeling was that I had waited so long to find this and spent so many years being less than happy that I didn’t want to waste any more time. The logical part of my reasoning told me that I would still be having a great time with an amazing man in a fabulous relationship but part of me just didn’t want things to change. Walking to work wearing his marks and knowing that I am his. Falling asleep in his arms every night and waking up knowing that he is there. Coming home after a hard day and knowing that I can fall to my knees, take him in my mouth, and feel calmed. My Wednesday caning, my rules. my rituals and the structure that we have built around us. The playtime, the scenes and all the other delights which happen frequently and without ceremony rather than having to wait for weeks just so we can be together.
I realised that I have underestimated how big a part of us this has all become. I also realised that if this sort of separation were to happen then we would need to work against the feeling that we part-time sub and Dom, or else we would lose some of what we have worked hard to build. I am glad that this is not going to happen at this particular time, although I am aware that perhaps it is something which may need to occur in the not too distant future. But with that being said, I think that going through the process was useful. It has made me think more deeply about what we do and what we have. It has also forced me to view things with fresh eyes, which I feel will be a positive. At the end of the day, I feel that we are strong and that we will adapt to any situation that we find ourselves in, but I want to get the most that I possibly can out of each and every drop of the here and now and enjoy all of the opportunities that we have. There are always pros and cons to every situation and it is good to get perspective so that you can enjoy your current pros and focus fully on them.