Anal sex is one of those things that, once considered taboo, now seems much more mainstream. There has certainly been an increase in the numbers of heterosexual couples who admit to having anal sex and a survey published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2010 found that one in five women between the ages of 20 and 39 had anal sex in the last three months, and 46 percent had tried it at least once. Unfortunately as a woman in my 40s I have missed the target group but I would argue that the statistics for women my age in D/s relationships would be much higher than those recorded in that survey. I think the general increase will be to do with women feeling not just more comfortable to try it but also to admit to it, and access to information on the internet allowing them to find ‘how to’ guides, find sites where they can easily purchase anal toys and, if they wish, enjoy a wealth of anal related porn. Within the D/s community, however, I expect it is much more to do with the openness and trust that allows couples to express their fantasies, explore and experiment together and the desire to push boundaries and meet each other’s needs.
As a couple we engage in quite a bit of anal play. This was something that did happen prior to D/s but did not play nearly such a big part. I would say that much of this is because Sir really wanted to include more of it and the fact that he was now able to take what he wanted meant that he did. It was something that I had always fantasised about but was one of those areas that I also had a bit of anxiety about. The power exchange meant that I no longer had to worry about it – my role was just to submit to his will, feel not think, and just enjoy it. Having said that, it did help greatly when I learnt to relax. Tension caused by a bit of fear that it would hurt, meant that it really was less likely to go well. We found that it was very important to build up to it. We started small, maybe a finger or a small toy, always with lots of lube, and took it from there. I think that, as with anything, it was a case of exploring together, communicating with each other and learning what was going to work best for each of us.
One thing that has always helped to relax me is engaging in some spanking or impact play. What I am talking about here is the erotic type of spanking. Usually I will be lying on my front and quite often it will be over his knee although this wouldn’t always be the case. As the impact builds and I adjust to it I begin to become lost in the sensation. I absorb it with my body and my mind and enter a state where I am very relaxed. The muscles you relax in order to take the impact are the same ones you need to relax for anal play so it works as an ideal preparation for me. The same is true of the sensations and arousal caused by other forms of play and the wand is another useful toy as it can quickly bring me to this point. At the beginning, being absorbed in what we were doing and feeling the sense of an orgasm building did help me to ‘open up’ but now it is much more automatic and my body responds to Sir’s touch and will without the need for the same build up.
One of the things that I love about anal is that it makes me feel completely vulnerable and owned by Sir, and the connection that gives us is huge. I love the forbidden aspect and the feeling of humility that I get from it. I like being his ‘dirty girl’ and doing those things that ‘other people’ wouldn’t do for him. I also sometimes feel a need to be completely overwhelmed and consumed by him and this is one of the ways that this need can be easily met. I have written about this more in the post Four Fingers and Beyond which is also about fisting. So I guess that, although initially I had some reservations and some limits surrounding anal play, these have slowly been worked through and pushed until it is just another thing that we enjoy as a couple and forms part of the way we express ourselves and explore together.
Although we began using a finger and took it from there, we have purchased a number of anal toys since starting out. One of the best things we bought was a lube syringe and for heavier anal sessions, we have found that it works really well. This actually came about through discussion, as one of my fantasies had involved the use of such a thing. Sir then located a set of two for about £5 from Bondara I think, and it turned out to be such a practical piece of equipment that it has probably been one of our best buys. It is great for anal sex and for play with the larger toys such as the anal hook. My favourite toy, however, is a twisted glass dildo (pictured above). I wrote about the effect of this on me in my Anal Orgasm post and it remains one of the ones that I enjoy the most. I also love wearing the tail Sir bought me which has a metal plug as I love the weight and feel of the glass and metal the best. Silicone is also good and I have a great little plug that is ideal for longer wear if Sir wants to use one when we are out.
At the end of the day, I think it is like anything else. We all like different things and to have a relationship where you can experiment, discuss openly what works, what doesn’t, and what you would like to try if the future means that you can have a lot of fun and really enjoy learning together. I would say that if you are starting off then you should proceed with some caution until you get to know how your body works and what things you like and, as with all things BDSM, safety is important. You need to be careful about cross contamination and it is also a good idea for anal sex to use a condom. In addition, Sir always has a box of black latex gloves close by which means that he can use me as he wishes without constantly having to leave to wash his hands. My body responds to the mere sound of him slipping on a glove now as I know what is coming, proving that even safety can be very sexy when done the right way! Bottoms up 😉