Being exposed can make you feel vulnerable, and being vulnerable can make you emotionally dependent on someone else. Within D/s these feelings are all real, but they do not carry with them the same negative aspects as they might usually. Being exposed can mean that you are at risk of being embarrassed, being vulnerable can mean that you are at risk of being hurt, and being emotionally dependent can mean that you are at risk of being a burden. Not so within a D/s marriage. All these things become positives because of the trust that you share. In fact, without them you will never achieve the emotional intimacy and intensity that you pursue.
Being a submissive can make me feel small. I don’t mean that in a bad way although I suppose it doesn’t sound good in the same way that being vulnerable is usually not seen as a strength. I think that it feels like that because I become reduced to what is at my core. By being exposed and vulnerable the layers are stripped back and I become a much simpler person. I don’t need the many faces that life requires as I am able just to be myself. I don’t need the politics that demands that I shift my shape to suit the audience I address. I can just be; no pretences, no affections, no illusions. I give up all of that when I submit myself to my Sir, and although I follow what he instructs, I am not actively trying to be the thing he wants. I am just doing without thinking and that allows the world around me to reduce, as much as I become reduced myself.
And although I feel small, I don’t feel weak. It is quite the opposite in fact. I feel strong, alive, on fire. I think that the fact that my existence becomes simple in that moment means that I am sort of concentrated. The outer periphery of my life is gone and there is only what lies at the heart – the centre and the focus. That is a comfort and a relief. It feels like respite from the complications and effort that can exist the rest of the time, and it is brought to me by Sir. He is the one who releases me and carries me through the experience so that it is him that I am connected to. He makes my body his and rests my mind, he brings me the pleasure and the peace and the simplicity. He makes me feel rather than think.
What passes between us is so huge that I end up feeling that I am part of him. This is the emotional connection which arises, often, from the physical experience but it manifests in a physical feeling; namely that I would like to crawl inside him and be safe. I often feel, during aftercare, that this is what I do. He will allow me to wrap myself around him and become almost attached. But emotionally I take it further and am not just on the outside but am actually part of him. Sir is aware of this and is very careful of me. He is so gentle and explains clearly what he is going to do. He takes his time over me and does not rush away. He knows that I can remain in this sort of afterglow for a while and he takes account of that, never straying far from my side and checking in with me.
I love these times. They are when we are at our closest and the world always feels good. We are all important and the trials and strains of life don’t seem to matter much. I feel exhausted but more alive than ever and have a powerful sense of well being. These are the times that I really enjoy the intimacy that we share for it is only through that we are able to achieve and experience this intensity of emotion. It is very difficult to explain to others but in the same way that any intensely emotional experience can bind you to another person, so this one does. I think that these experiences are sort of like a glue that holds the rest together as it gives you not only a shared experience, but also an overwhelming feeling of loving and being loved. I have crawled into his pocket and I feel that I am safe forever.
Posted in Submissive Journal.