I think we are back on track. We have had a bit of a bumpy ride the last while and things have not been as consistent as usual. This has been tricky as it is harder for us both to keep our mindsets in these circumstances. Nothing has been wrong as such but we have lost some of the intensity we had. We have been in survival mode, focusing on what has to be done and conserving our energy for the essentials rather than enjoying the more hedonistic aspects. But where there is a will there is a way and there are two wills here heading in the same direction, which is always a good thing when a pleasant journey is desired. So we have realised the scenery could be more interesting and have endeavoured to get ourselves back on a more direct route again.
Th first change is that the more formalised times for discussion of our D/s are back. Not having this made it more difficult as sometimes things would bleed from one conversation to another and other times things would go unsaid. I think it is always important to note that when one person speaks, ideally another should be listening but I am not honestly sure that this is always the case, and the more formalised approach is certainly a way of safe guarding against this. I think that for a while there we were so absorbed on dealing with the day to day things that we forgot to look at where we were going. In a relationship where you speak all the time, it can be overlooked that you are not really talking about some of the things you should be, so this is a welcome return.
The second change is the expectations. These have been stepped up. I think that perhaps I have been self regulating and looking for approval or validation. This is not the way that the dynamic really works well. It can and has been working as a sticking plaster but really that is all that it is. It has been a make do, treating the symptom rather than addressing things from the root. It is far better when these expectations are imposed externally. It definitely gives them weight, formality and meaning and I am enjoying the structure that it brings. It is reassuring to know that they are back in place and that the purpose to what I am doing is being reaffirmed.
The other change has been physically. When the emotional connection is less intense I always find that has a knock on effect to the physical one. It is difficult though as the relationship is still there. You still do the same things but maybe less often and without quite the same passion or fervour. It is very subtle. It is in the translation rather than in the delivery or receipt if that makes sense. I have not watched other people play very much but when I did I remember being disappointed that I couldn’t see the connection between them. I think I had hoped to witness the outward expression of what I felt and it was certainly anti-climactic. I think perhaps when everything is not ‘just so’ that is how it seems. From the outward appearance you are doing all of the same things but inwardly it does not feel quite the same.
So this week has, thankfully, seen things pick up in a number of ways. As a result I feel more optimistic, more energised, more secure and more tranquil. This is how I like to be and I am thankful that, for the most part, I am able to experience that. Sometimes life just throws things at you that take time to process and manage and deal with. Often these things are beyond your control and it takes a while until your emotions become your own to manage again. And that is, unfortunately, inevitable. At times like these realism is my friend. It helps me to keep perspective and when I lose it, it helps me to seek support and heed advice form others who understand and care. Trust helps me to follow the process that I know works and helps me to keep those who matter close; talking openly means that even in difficult times, we never really stray far from each other.
Although life has not been quite as we would have hoped the last little while, things were never tense or awkward or hurtful. They were always calm and supportive and loving, in fact in many ways we are closer now than we were before. But it feels good to be back in a life where things are more adventurous, more demanding and more extreme. Underneath I know that we have a solid foundation in which to play out some of the other things we enjoy and I am excited to be back in a place where we can do that again. It feels good to be back on track, and although I am sure there will be other events to push us of course as life moves on, I am confident that it will not derail us.