My recent post on Humiliation attracted some interesting comments. I love it when this happens as I think that sharing and hearing from others really helps to develop your thinking. One such comment was from Jen. I know that a lot of you already follow Jen’s Blog but if not, and you have an interest in D/D or D/s, then you should check it out. Anyway, Jen made the point that letting go of control is about making yourself vulnerable and that doing that requires a lot of strength and trust in your partner. This got me to thinking about vulnerability as it was something that I really struggled with at the start of this journey. I really did not feel comfortable feeling vulnerable at all and I had to work very hard at the defences that told me to pull back.
Pulling back would have meant the end really as D/s is about honesty, trust and communication so to do my usual and back away, tell him I was fine and withdraw into my own little world, would have meant that the whole thing fell apart. It would also have been ironic seeing as how I had told him one of the reasons I wanted the dynamic was so that I could be more vulnerable and more available to him. I knew, of course, that being vulnerable was an important part of a relationship; to make myself vulnerable for someone was part of getting to know them deeply and so the process began for me of stripping back the layers that I had used to wrap myself up and protect myself for a long time.
I think the trigger to doing this was not that I had asked Sir for this type of relationship, it was actually because he had seen me in the first place. I mean really seen me. You see I had been lost; the years had made me invisible to some and in the end that had grown around me. When you aren’t seen and you begin to lose yourself in your different roles and become whatever you need to be to get by, there is no space for vulnerability. You are there for others, the supportive friend, the loving wife and mother, and maybe you even have a role at work that shows another side of you. Anyhow, amidst all of this, I pretty much lost myself and Sir found me. By seeing me, I finally saw myself again. The fact that he seemed to like what he saw gave me confidence and meant that I could reveal much more to him than I had to anyone else. This really was a combination of trust (he gave me that feeling even then) and the fact that I felt like I didn’t have much to lose. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ has since become a bit of a mantra for me, and I was at a point in my life where, if I could deal with the worst, I was taking the risk.
The layers themselves were pretty complex and not helpful to a submissive way of life. They existed to keep me safe and allow me to function effectively, which was something that I was no longer having to do myself. They had worked and served me well in my previous life but were a hindrance to what I was trying to do now. Unfortunately knowing this didn’t stop them kicking in all the time and it was hard to try to strip them away. I really did feel naked and exposed. But then that was the point. I had to be like that so that I could truly give myself to him. I would like to say that it wasn’t a struggle but it really was. I needed help and support and over time it has got better. I would also like to say that I have made the required transformation, but I know that I still have a way to go. I have opened up about so many things – even some that I don’t fully understand myself. I have put my fragmented thoughts and ideas and responses out there and we have worked through them to try to make some sense of them.
It has been easier to do this on a physical level and I was quicker to make more progress in managing my physical issues and being open in that area so that I could really let myself go. But in terms of my emotions I have found it more tricky. I do still wrestle with ‘need’. Sometimes it seems ok to feel needy but others it still feels like weakness. When I am challenged, my reaction is still to pull into myself rather than turning to Sir and asking for help. I think that will be a area to work on for the future. I need to remember that it is an important part of what I am giving to him, rather than looking at it as if I am taking something. It is a strength and not a weakness as it will allow what we share together to grow. Sir needs me to look to him. He needs the chance to keep me safe and to know more about me. Without that I am not building the emotional connection that we share. Sometimes I feel guilty or selfish for expressing my need for support and that is why I try to manage. Actually, if I am being respectful then I should communicate with him and allow him the opportunity to lead us both. The guilt and selfishness are not mine to feel unless he thinks they fit. Within this form of relationship vulnerability is a strength as it binds you and allows you to become more intimately entwined.