humiliationI have wanted to write about humiliation for a while; erotic humiliation that is.  I haven’t for a couple of reasons.  The first is ironic.  I am embarrassed that I am into it.  The second is that what we find a turn on is very personal and very individual and I am not sure that I am actually able to explain what it is that excites me and convey it to others in a way that doesn’t sound a bit creepy or pathetic.  If something is hot in your head, you want it to be hot when it is spoken out loud, but as with any fantasy, we know that it is not always the case.

Humiliation is a difficult thing to discuss and explain because what humiliates one person erotically, won’t necessarily have an impact on another – what excites us is very personal.  The other thing is that some sorts of humiliation are a turn on and some are just upsetting and that can make it difficult for a partner to judge.  Fortunately, in a healthy D/s relationship all of these things are discussed at length, and therefore your Dominant is able to have a good idea of what will, and what won’t, work.  With any luck, he will get off on doing the things that you find hot receiving and so the dance begins.

Humiliation can take many different forms and, as previously stated, not all of those will work for every person. For example, some people enjoy verbal insults but for me that would do nothing. I do admit that if Sir wanted to call me a slut or a whore and it worked for him then I would not be offended, but it wouldn’t heighten my own experience other than in the knowledge that it was making him happy.  It was thinking about this that made me realise that humiliation is the part of D/s that moves things forward for me.  I enjoy lots of different types of bdsm play – bondage, wax play, impact etc but I have realised that it is how these are translated in my head which makes them a turn on.

I have come to the conclusion that while I like being submissive, it is being Dominated which really presses my buttons.  I enjoy serving Sir and doing the things which make him happy.  This will give me a real sense of fulfilment and also a sense of purpose.  I feel calmer and more content within myself. I feel at peace and that I am who I really want to be. My head becomes clear and my thinking slows down as I focus on the things that are important to me and really matter – my relationship with my husband.  However, while that is am important part of our relationship and emotional connection, I don’t think that the submission part is what switches me on sexually: it is his Domination of me that does that.  And the humiliation is the part of the Domination which is what heightens the experience and really takes it to another level for me.

I had not previously realised this, but since doing so have come to the conclusion that it is probably part of the way I was brought up and the ideas that I had.  For me, sex was naughty.  It was something that you did in secret and something that was hidden. The kinky stuff was never spoken about and it is only since being with Sir that I have really been able to explore the things that turn me on sexually. Prior to that, I would follow the lead of the other person.  If they suggested something kinky then all the well and better, if not then I just kept quiet.  This did not lead to many fulfilling relationships but it meant that I didn’t have to take ownership of all my ‘weird’ desires until I met him. Thankfully, we also found D/s and discovered what a perfect fit it was for us.

Denying my own ‘deviant’ thoughts sounds unhealthy, and it is not something that I ever really recognised before, but looking at it now, I see that it has shaped, for me, what I see as being a turn on – the kinky, taboo things that I was never able to express.  Being able to do them is exciting in itself but the D/s has allowed it all to play out in an interesting way. I do not have to instigate or ask for these things. Sir will make them happen but he will force me to take ownership of them and admit my desire for him to do whatever it is.  I may have to ask or beg, he may comment on how much my arousal is betraying me, or he may point out my need or greed for whatever it is.  This, I find sexy.

The dialogue he uses means that his verbalising of it gets it out in the open. His description means that I can almost picture the event as others would, so I can see it from the outside. It forces me to acknowledge what I am in an exposed and humiliating way. He forces me to agree to the kinky things that I want him to do to me and by doing that I am free to enjoy them. I can enjoy anal play, I can enjoy being able to crawl or being led around on a lead, I can enjoy being put over his knee for a good spanking. These things are part of the forbidden desires that I had reserved for fantasy in the past. Being made to perform for others or being exposed or controlled; having my desires out in the open is both exhilarating and humiliating in equal measure.

I would argue myself that, as women, we should be allowed to enjoy the sexual freedom to express and explore our desires without shame. It makes me happy that in this day and age that this is becoming more commonplace and I hope that soon there will be more understanding and acceptance of alternative lifestyles as a result of this freedom of expression. But for me, it is a double-edged sword as it is the ‘wrongness’ of these desires that makes them hot and it is the humiliation of having to accept my need and want of them that turns me on. I had intended to expand on the sorts of things that I would define as humiliation as I know that this will vary greatly from one person to another, but I find that each time I begin I become turned on as I write but also too embarrassed to really put pen to paper so I think that for me, it is a humiliation too far.  Which is good really as it leaves HisLordship with plenty of scope for future challenges.

I should point out that what I am writing about here is not actual real-life humiliation; like most people, I have no desire to be reduced to embarrassment or shame within an every day situation. My Sir is a loving, kind man who is incredibly supportive of me and he works hard to increase my confidence in my own abilities, so it is more a form of sexual play that lends itself to the psychological part of being in a Dominant and submissive relationship. Although I have not included personal details of the sorts of things we incorporate into our play and scenes, I have included below a list of some of the types of humiliation that I find hot:

Verbal belittlement, with such words as girl, little one etc.

Having to ask permission for everyday activities.

Repetition and being made to ask for certain things to be done.

Wearing of an anal plug or a tail.

Being made to carry out specific tasks which involve other people who are not aware that there is a task.

Specific rituals and displays of subservience.

Being watched as you use the toilet.

Discipline including erotic spanking, slapping, whipping, restraint, and other BDSM activities.

Dresscode prescriptions including the removal of underwear in a public place.

Being naked, with decorative objects such as collars, cuffs and nipple clamps as the only exceptions.

Erotic sexual denial, including the use of a chastity device.

Wearing of external signs of “ownership”, such as collars.

Erotic objectification – being used as human furniture or ‘displayed’.

Having to ask permission to orgasm during sex or masturbation.

Wearing a gag or restraints.

Crawling on all fours or being lead.

Intimate inspections of the body.

Role play scenarios such as medical scenes.