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Humiliation

I have wanted to write about humiliation for a while; erotic humiliation that is.  I haven’t for a couple of reasons.  The first is ironic.  I am embarrassed that I am into it.  The second is that what we find a turn on is very personal and very individual and I am not sure that I am actually able to explain what it is that excites me and convey it to others in a way that doesn’t sound a bit creepy or pathetic.  If something is hot in your head, you want it to be hot when it is spoken out loud, but as with any fantasy, we know that it is not always the case.

Humiliation is a difficult thing to discuss and explain because what humiliates one person erotically, won’t necessarily have an impact on another – what excites us is very personal.  The other thing is that some sorts of humiliation are a turn on and some are just upsetting and that can make it difficult for a partner to judge.  Fortunately, in a healthy D/s relationship all of these things are discussed at length, and therefore your Dominant is able to have a good idea of what will, and what won’t, work.  With any luck, he will get off on doing the things that you find hot receiving and so the dance begins.

Humiliation can take many different forms and, as previously stated, not all of those will work for every person. For example, some people enjoy verbal insults but for me that would do nothing. I do admit that if Sir wanted to call me a slut or a whore and it worked for him then I would not be offended, but it wouldn’t heighten my own experience other than in the knowledge that it was making him happy.  It was thinking about this that made me realise that humiliation is the part of D/s that moves things forward for me.  I enjoy lots of different types of bdsm play – bondage, wax play, impact etc but I have realised that it is how these are translated in my head which makes them a turn on.

I have come to the conclusion that while I like being submissive, it is being Dominated which really presses my buttons.  I enjoy serving Sir and doing the things which make him happy.  This will give me a real sense of fulfilment and also a sense of purpose.  I feel calmer and more content within myself. I feel at peace and that I am who I really want to be. My head becomes clear and my thinking slows down as I focus on the things that are important to me and really matter – my relationship with my husband.  However, while that is am important part of our relationship and emotional connection, I don’t think that the submission part is what switches me on sexually: it is his Domination of me that does that.  And the humiliation is the part of the Domination which is what heightens the experience and really takes it to another level for me.

I had not previously realised this, but since doing so have come to the conclusion that it is probably part of the way I was brought up and the ideas that I had.  For me, sex was naughty.  It was something that you did in secret and something that was hidden. The kinky stuff was never spoken about and it is only since being with Sir that I have really been able to explore the things that turn me on sexually. Prior to that, I would follow the lead of the other person.  If they suggested something kinky then all the well and better, if not then I just kept quiet.  This did not lead to many fulfilling relationships but it meant that I didn’t have to take ownership of all my ‘weird’ desires until I met him. Thankfully, we also found D/s and discovered what a perfect fit it was for us.

Denying my own ‘deviant’ thoughts sounds unhealthy, and it is not something that I ever really recognised before, but looking at it now, I see that it has shaped, for me, what I see as being a turn on – the kinky, taboo things that I was never able to express.  Being able to do them is exciting in itself but the D/s has allowed it all to play out in an interesting way. I do not have to instigate or ask for these things. Sir will make them happen but he will force me to take ownership of them and admit my desire for him to do whatever it is.  I may have to ask or beg, he may comment on how much my arousal is betraying me, or he may point out my need or greed for whatever it is.  This, I find sexy.

The dialogue he uses means that his verbalising of it gets it out in the open. His description means that I can almost picture the event as others would, so I can see it from the outside. It forces me to acknowledge what I am in an exposed and humiliating way. He forces me to agree to the kinky things that I want him to do to me and by doing that I am free to enjoy them. I can enjoy anal play, I can enjoy being able to crawl or being led around on a lead, I can enjoy being put over his knee for a good spanking. These things are part of the forbidden desires that I had reserved for fantasy in the past. Being made to perform for others or being exposed or controlled; having my desires out in the open is both exhilarating and humiliating in equal measure.

I would argue myself that, as women, we should be allowed to enjoy the sexual freedom to express and explore our desires without shame. It makes me happy that in this day and age that this is becoming more commonplace and I hope that soon there will be more understanding and acceptance of alternative lifestyles as a result of this freedom of expression. But for me, it is a double-edged sword as it is the ‘wrongness’ of these desires that makes them hot and it is the humiliation of having to accept my need and want of them that turns me on. I had intended to expand on the sorts of things that I would define as humiliation as I know that this will vary greatly from one person to another, but I find that each time I begin I become turned on as I write but also too embarrassed to really put pen to paper so I think that for me, it is a humiliation too far.  Which is good really as it leaves HisLordship with plenty of scope for future challenges.

I should point out that what I am writing about here is not actual real-life humiliation; like most people, I have no desire to be reduced to embarrassment or shame within an every day situation. My Sir is a loving, kind man who is incredibly supportive of me and he works hard to increase my confidence in my own abilities, so it is more a form of sexual play that lends itself to the psychological part of being in a Dominant and submissive relationship. Although I have not included personal details of the sorts of things we incorporate into our play and scenes, I have included below a list of some of the types of humiliation that I find hot:

Verbal belittlement, with such words as girl, little one etc.

Having to ask permission for everyday activities.

Repetition and being made to ask for certain things to be done.

Wearing of an anal plug or a tail.

Being made to carry out specific tasks which involve other people who are not aware that there is a task.

Specific rituals and displays of subservience.

Being watched as you use the toilet.

Discipline including erotic spanking, slapping, whipping, restraint, and other BDSM activities.

Dresscode prescriptions including the removal of underwear in a public place.

Being naked, with decorative objects such as collars, cuffs and nipple clamps as the only exceptions.

Erotic sexual denial, including the use of a chastity device.

Wearing of external signs of “ownership”, such as collars.

Erotic objectification – being used as human furniture or ‘displayed’.

Having to ask permission to orgasm during sex or masturbation.

Wearing a gag or restraints.

Crawling on all fours or being lead.

Intimate inspections of the body.

Role play scenarios such as medical scenes.

 

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24 thoughts on “Humiliation

  1. I can tell you were humiliated writing this and being exposed to the world about your kink(s). But, I am also sure you were squirming the entire time and can’t wait for His Lordship to humiliate you some more.

    People always are fixated on the body and forget that the mind is the ultimate sexual organ. D/s allows the participants to overcome their upbringing and phobias for greater sexual fulfillment. Your list is perfectly normal and healthy behavior. When you submit – when you are ‘forced’ to allow submission – it takes away the guilt and shame, while letting humiliation ramp up your responses.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is why I love reading the views of others, seeing the different points of view. Some of the things you list I would find taboo and a bit risqué but not humiliating just because I know Sir would keep me absolutely safe. Some of them I find endearing and comforting – calling me “my girl”, putting naked me in cuffs to serve him, wearing his collar, being bound.

    I agree with @lurvspanking that the mind is the ultimate sexual organ. I get aroused faster with Sir stroking my ears with his words than I do with only touch.

    This was a wonderful read. I think we often find the “forbidden” or having a secret exciting.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m with you all the way. I like being a sub, but I’m turned on by dominance. And humiliation… I had a very fundamental religious upbringing and my feelings about sex and wanting kink are almost verbatim yours. I want it but I can’t ask for it. If he humiliates me and makes me submit to it, it’s more the hotter. I’m willing to do just about anything he asks (nothing has ever come up I’d be against) because I know he adores me and would keep me safe. I’m going to share your post with him, because I know that I haven’t articulated this well enough to him myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for your post and the honesty and openness that goes with it. Would you say that it is humiliation or degradation? Do you think there is a difference? It is something we have started to explore, but years of conditioning and a lack of communication have made it difficult to. It can also be difficult to get my head around as it seems counterintuitive. The verbal works for her, the rest will be a work in progress.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmmm that’s a difficult one. I think I see them as being parts of the same thing. I know what you are saying about it being counterintuitive so for us it has come from communication. It is hard at the time to shout ‘Yes. That. That is what I want you to do!’ because it takes from the event but I try to say after. With the verbal it is the small things and it happens so fast that it is hard always to recall them all. I have to say that it doesn’t feel humiliating or degrading. It feels hot because I am with someone who loves and supports me and I know that he thinks the world of me. It is part of the theatre that is D/s I think.

      Like

  5. Having had time to reflect on some of questions put to My Missy, I think I have an overarching statement that might cover this.

    The dynamic between two people, particularly in a married or long term relationship who engage in BDSM activities is as unique as it is challenging. What ever happens during kink activities will overflow into the next day, whether it be a discussion on finances or children. It’s part of the whole package, not a weekend party, a one night whip fest or an occasional meetings time to time. Our D/s affects everyone within our circle of influence.

    Humiliation or degradation? Missy thinks they are interconnected, and I agree, however, they are not mutually exclusive to the rest of our life. It’s us, me and her, her and I. Would I walk up to a stranger and request they strip for me, or would I call them a dirty cum loving slut? No obviously I wouldn’t. For one I value me front teeth, secondly there is a number of laws that cover this behaviour and finally, you guessed it, there is no trusting, supportive and selfless commitment we have with each other. It is knowing you can push boundaries to see if it excites you in a safe environment and if it is a stepping stone further across unchartered water. Would I feel slightly uncomfortable asking Missy to degrade herself in front of me because I want her submission and for her to cast aside the drudge of life in one unadulterated moment? Oddly enough yes I would, but only for a fleeting second. You see, I get a kick out of her getting off on TTWD and she gets a kick knowing I do. Simples. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Pingback: Submission without consent or choice is abuse | Spank Me Hard! ... Please?

  7. Took 8 or 9 tries to read this due to crashes but the effort was well rewarded.

    About two seconds into reading the little voice in my head whispered “It’s a dance ma’am.” only to see you use the word dance a moment later. You will never tango well if you dislike to tango. Your partner will never know if you never speak. This thing is quite akin to a good dance. You might tango well and enjoy it immensely but you would have to know my injuries to know my limits. Without that intimate knowledge, we would never suceed. That the two of you pair well on the floor is cause for joy. Enjoy the dance.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Pingback: Re-post: Humiliation in BDSM – Pornocuopia

  9. “I enjoy lots of different types of bdsm play – bondage, wax play, impact etc but I have realised that it is how these are translated in my head which makes them a turn on.”
    Yes to this so much. For me it is all about how things are translated – I think I could get off on just about anything if he was doing it to me because it turned him on. I’ve even thought about really dirty things like being pissed on if the context was humiliating enough and it was conceptual as well as physical. I love your list of humiliating things that get you off as well – the idea of being made to wear a collar specifically in front of his friends does all sorts of wonderful squishy things to me! Thank you so much for sharing I really appreciate it xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you lillie. It was something that took me longer to share with Sir than some things and it’s still feels a bit abstract so it’s hard to be precise with him about exactly what it is that makes it a turn on. I think I am getting better though and the longer we play like this the easier it is for him to translate what I say I feel to something material that will work I think.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I completely understand. You have such a potent sexuality, it would be a beautiful thing to see it unleashed. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experiences/fantasies, I am genuinely grateful

        Liked by 1 person

    • “I could get off on just about anything if he was doing it to me because it turned him on” — This, so very much this.

      I read some advice between Doms on fetlife that resonated with me profoundly. It was that humiliation is not at all about forcing your sub to do something they don’t want to, but rather making them realize how badly they want to do something dark. Combined with the notion of wanting to please and turn on your partner adds to this mix.

      Taking something that would seem abusive in any other context and reframing it into D/s suddenly makes so much sense to me. It makes me want to take my sub and lay bare her soul for both of us to see, to show her the depth of her own submission, to teach her the completeness of my dominance. I makes me want to show her that if she will surrender to me utterly, I will consume everything she offers up to me, that every bit of her no matter how dark is not only acceptable but irresistible.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I love the way that you have explained how it makes you feel and what the attraction is. It is so good to hear the flip side and it makes a lot of sense.

        Like

      • Sorry its taken a while to reply, I really respect your comments, and in a totally non-patronising way, kudos for being authentic to yourself and being brave enough to respond with your truth. I really appreciate it

        Liked by 2 people

  10. “while I like being submissive, it is being Dominated which really presses my buttons.”
    I found this profound and a real “aha” moment for me.

    I’ve made my own list for Sayyid. Just waiting for the right time to show him.

    Liked by 1 person

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