Domination is my safe place. For those who are not in a D/s relationship it can be difficult to explain why this is the case and how it works. Sometimes it can also be difficult to explain to my Dominant what it is I need and why I need it, which can be a little more complicated. There are, of course, many facets to our relationship; the excitement of the kink and exploring new things together, the closeness and intimacy that has developed between us and the vulnerability and trust that has grown from the open communication to name but a few. Sir is a real gentleman. He is attentive, thoughtful and nurturing, so to some it might seem odd that I want and need him to to take a firm hand with me when I am at my weakest.
I sometimes think that being firm with me under these circumstances goes against the grain with him, and it can be difficult even for him to see that it really is the kindest, most loving approach to take. It is far more natural for him to try to protect me by making allowances for me in some way or another. That is understandable; who wants to see the person they love in pain and struggling? However, for him to make allowances and let me get away with things he usually wouldn’t, is the opposite of what I need: I need to be held accountable; I need the boundaries to be reinforced; I need to feel his love and support in a way which fights his natural instincts.
The reason for this is simple. He is my rock. He is my protection and my safety. And I need him to be unmoving and unwavering more so when I am adrift than at any other time. When things become difficult for me, I become a person I don’t want to be. As he has his natural response, so I have mine. I am my own worst enemy in this situation. When I feel lost and vulnerable, I withdraw. I can snap at those who come close and I can become a bit helpless. My behaviour, like a child’s, seems tailored to push people away so that I can sink further into myself when really this is the opposite of what I should do. It is certainly not submissive and although I am sometimes aware I am doing it, I find it very hard to stop. I want to break the cycle and self regulate, but when under pressure I find that incredibly hard to do.
When I am struggling with a problem, the proactive, resourceful, logical approach I assume when supporting others with their issues is not the one I adopt when dealing with my own. I become very quickly out of control, and so control is exactly what I need. If Sir enforces the rules we have agreed upon, makes demands of me and reinforces my choice of submission to him, then I fall into line quite quickly. Left without this structure I will spiral into behaviour which pushes him away from me even though I need him close. This is a conundrum. Even though I am aware of what I do, I seem reasonably powerless to stop it which is exactly why I need his strength.
Although my behaviour can become a bit attention seeking, this is because I am feeling that people aren’t noticing what I am feeling. By Sir continuing to Dominate me, I know that he has seen me. I know that he is watching, that he has my back and is there for me. I guess maybe it seems like tough love in a sense, but really it is the kindest, most caring thing to do. He is essentially saving me from myself by making me his. I know from speaking to other submissives that I am not alone in this. I think that part of the problem can be because, contrary to public misconception, we are not weak, vulnerable shrinking violets. We are feisty, strong women who probably have that ‘approach with caution’ label surrounding them when things are not going our way. A hedgehog can be very cute and appealing but with its prickles up it is a lot more difficult to manage.
So I guess what I am saying is that we know that you love us, we know that you care about us and, as husbands, you show that each and every day through the thoughtful and attentive ways that you are there for us. But what we need is to have the safety and security that comes from being Dominated, especially when things are hard. I know that for HisLordship to be tough when I am hurting is hard to do, but it really will be the best way to help. It will tell me that he loves me, that he sees me and that he is there for me. It will push me to him rather than away from him and let me shelter safely in his arms. He will provide control when circumstances has taken that from me and help me to make sense of what is happening and find a way forward together. It really is a case of needing to be dominated. I need him to ask those things of me and through his Dominance to let me be the person we both deserve and want.