I am having a lovely weekend celebrating my daughter’s 18th birthday with her. We have come away together for a city break which is really nice. It is giving us lots of one to one time which is not always possible in the busy family life we have. All of our children have developed a really strong bond with each other and this makes Sir and I hugely happy. We have spent a lot of time on working to blend our families and create new memories but sometimes finding the opportunity to spoil and concentrate on just one child can be more difficult. So this is time just for the two of us. I am writing this post at the beginning of our last day – she was up in her iPad well after I went to sleep and now she sleeps in as I type. Although we get on great we haven’t quite managed to sync the 40 year old’s body clock with that of the 18 year old!
One strange thing has been being away without Sir. This is not something we have done for a long time. This has meant me taking the lead which is something I am used to in work mode but not usually at the weekends. I have realised how long it has been since I had to order a meal, or book tickets, ask for directions or pay the bill. I am the leader of this excursion and it has sat like an unfamiliar coat in the minus 3 temperature this weekend. Literally I am warm enough (scarf, hat and gloves) but metaphorically this taking control has felt a bit of a stretch. I have had to dig deep to find the person who did that I suppose. I am not incapable but I am unaccustomed to taking the lead in these situations now. And like a garment that doesn’t quite match the style you wanted to wear, I feel that this isn’t really me. I know that others see nothing our of the ordinary, it is more that it is not the person I have become. It doesn’t have the warmth and ease that being His gives me.
I feel lucky to have this time and the opportunity to have fun with my daughter. I am so proud of the woman she has become and and she becomes more independent of me, I feel fortunate to be able to build a more adult and equal relationship with her than it has been in the past. There is a respect there for the differences we have, but also for the many things we share in common, and we are easy company together. She knows, of course, about Sir and I and the relationship we have so she is aware that I am doing things I don’t usually. But I am still her mum and so she expects me to take that role where she is concerned, for that feels warm and familiar to her. I imagine over the years the dynamic will shift here too as she grows in confidence and experience, and she will assert herself more with me, but for now she is content to let things continue much as they have in the past.
I feel lucky also that I will return tonight to be Sir’s again. I have missed having him with me because it feels natural to share everything with him. That includes the fun that I am having with E and I will enjoy telling him all about it when I get home. I will also enjoy the simplicity and ease of my life with him. While it is good to push yourself and do things differently sometimes, it is lovely to know that you can return to the way things seem to fit best. It has been a good reminder that I am a strong and capable woman who can do the things she wants, but that I enjoy being a submissive to my husband. I am a mother and a teacher and those roles require a different hat sometimes, but as a wife I am who I want to be, which is why I have missed Him but also missed me.