Two days in and I am finding this week a challenge. After two weeks at home with Sir, I am back out there in my other world, earning a living. After two weeks of submitting to him, I am his completely, and I have not had to worry about anything else. Not only do I miss spending time with him, I miss what he makes me, and that is His – all day, every day. Now, of course, I know that I still belong to him. I can touch my collar, I can check my phone and I can feel what we have. It is a constant with me but other responsibilities have crept in, and I am feeling weighed down by them. I still want to be the kitten, and being the lion is taking some adjusting to.
At home, with Sir, I am safe and I am protected. At work, I have to be that safety and that protection for others. Although consuming, this is also rewarding and I do love my job. When you make a difference to someone vulnerable that is huge, but I am having to fight all of the time. It is hard work and it has come as such a contrast that it is really tiring me out. Today I feel almost on the verge of tears as I am pulled between the two sides of me. I know that by the end of the week this will be better and I will have readjusted, but it is a strange feeling and the wearing of two faces again feels odd. I suppose it happens when you let one part of you grow and the other stays on hold. And this time I think the contrast seems more obvious; I can feel myself making the transition and I suppose it is the first time I have really been quite so aware of it.
At work my job means that a lot of the way I am as a submissive lends itself. I listen, I support, I try meet individual needs – in a sense I am still serving others. But in doing that I also have to be tough to get what I need for the people I am looking after, and that brings out a different side of me. I have to lead, and instruct and demand sometimes. I set boundaries and expectations for how things will be. In the safety of Sir’s protection I have not had to do this at all the past few weeks. I have been able to be soft and playful and relatively carefree so it is quite a contrast to suddenly have to be tough again. The whole ‘ball crusher by day, cock worshipper by night’ sort of feeling is back with a bump.
Fortunately, Sir has always helped with my transition from work to home; he takes the many faces and lets me see the ones which are his, and that means that I can separate them out pretty instantly. I think that as we have gone deeper, we have both become better at this and that is why I am seeing and feeling it much more, having had a break from it. I have always thought that a home was about the people not the place, and I do really feel that my home is with him. That is where I am really me. It is where my strength and my passion comes from, so I am lucky that I can return to that at the end of each day as really it makes all of the rest possible. Tonight I feel vulnerable. I look in the mirror and seeing the lion seems wrong, but by tomorrow Sir will make sure that I am proud of my lion, and I will leave home knowing that I am strong enough to fight again if I have to.
Posted in Submissive Journal.