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Two Faced

cat-sees-lion-mirror

Two days in and I am finding this week a challenge.  After two weeks at home with Sir, I am back out there in my other world, earning a living.  After two weeks of submitting to him, I am his completely, and I have not had to worry about anything else.  Not only do I miss spending time with him, I miss what he makes me, and that is His – all day, every day. Now, of course, I know that I still belong to him.  I can touch my collar, I can check my phone and I can feel what we have. It is a constant with me but other responsibilities have crept in, and I am feeling weighed down by them.  I still want to be the kitten, and being the lion is taking some adjusting to.

At home, with Sir, I am safe and I am protected. At work, I have to be that safety and that protection for others. Although consuming, this is also rewarding and I do love my job. When you make a difference to someone vulnerable that is huge, but I am having to fight all of the time.  It is hard work and it has come as such a contrast that it is really tiring me out. Today I feel almost on the verge of tears as I am pulled between the two sides of me. I know that by the end of the week this will be better and I will have readjusted, but it is a strange feeling and the wearing of two faces again feels odd.  I suppose it happens when you let one part of you grow and the other stays on hold. And this time I think the contrast seems more obvious; I can feel myself making the transition and I suppose it is the first time I have really been quite so aware of it.

At work my job means that a lot of the way I am as a submissive lends itself. I listen, I support, I try meet individual needs – in a sense I am still serving others. But in doing that I also have to be tough to get what I need for the people I am looking after, and that brings out a different side of me. I have to lead, and instruct and demand sometimes. I set boundaries and expectations for how things will be. In the safety of Sir’s protection I have not had to do this at all the past few weeks. I have been able to be soft and playful and relatively carefree so it is quite a contrast to suddenly have to be tough again. The whole ‘ball crusher by day, cock worshipper by night’ sort of feeling is back with a bump.

Fortunately, Sir has always helped with my transition from work to home; he takes the many faces and lets me see the ones which are his, and that means that I can separate them out pretty instantly. I think that as we have gone deeper, we have both become better at this and that is why I am seeing and feeling it much more, having had a break from it. I have always thought that a home was about the people not the place, and I do really feel that my home is with him. That is where I am really me. It is where my strength and my passion comes from, so I am lucky that I can return to that at the end of each day as really it makes all of the rest possible. Tonight I feel vulnerable. I look in the mirror and seeing the lion seems wrong, but by tomorrow Sir will make sure that I am proud of my lion, and I will leave home knowing that I am strong enough to fight again if I have to.

 

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6 thoughts on “Two Faced

  1. This is really beautiful and I find it comparable to my own life/work balance right now. I’m responsible for so many at work. My work is fulfilling and a gift for someone like me with a servant heart and no children of my own. It feeds a part of me, challenges and stretches me. But at times, drains me, I don’t know how to reconcile my submission sometimes, the need to just be His, to just be and not have to do, He offers me that. Not that I don’t look for opportunities to serve Him ( and I love them) but I feel like the most vulnerable and pure parts of me are given to Him alone.
    I’ve written a book, sorry, your post just touched me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is always a relief to post about something that you feel and can find hard and to discover that there are others who experience the same thing. Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it 😊

      Like

  2. Missy
    I totally get what you are saying. In my last post I was trying to convey the same thing. I have to be in the Lion suit all the time. I want to shed it off and let someone else be the Lion and be soft. Thanks for writing this. You explained it so much better.

    Liked by 1 person

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