Last night, having dealt me a bit of a caning, Sir said that he planned to have my bum cheeks exposed today so that he could enjoy the marks he had made. This morning, true to form, he had not forgotten. “Time to get up, missy, and I would like you downstairs naked this morning for breakfast!” I have to admit that I did not rise immediately. There were a couple of reasons that I did not want to do as he asked. The first was a physical one; it is October and we live in Scotland and it was not warm. The second was an emotional one; I have a love/hate relationship with my body: The part of me that sees it as his, loves it, as he loves it, but the part of me that has struggled for so long with body image issues still hates it. I thought about doing what I would usually do, but I didn’t. Instead, I bent my will to his and went downstairs. Naked.
Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he bent my will to his as it was his instruction that forced my hand, but it made me think about my submission, particularly afterwards when we had discussed why he had asked and why I had struggled. The whole nakedness downstairs thing has been an ongoing topic with us, and I am aware that he has progressed things much more slowly than he would have liked, as he has acknowledged my difficulties. Which I think is partly why I did it – it seemed so little to ask on a rational, or on a Dominating level. It is a simple thing to him and in his mind it is just a case of building me up bit by bit to overcome my fears. For me, it is a little more complex as my self esteem will play a big part in how I am feeling about myself and this is something that fluctuates all the time. When I am his, I can do things more easily. He took pictures of me naked downstairs on Monday, and I even told him that I “almost felt ok about doing it”, so he probably wondered what the difference was; on Monday he had made me sexy already so I could do it, this morning I woke up and felt quite the opposite, so it became a much bigger ask. Which I suppose is his point – he is building this up slowly, even if it isn’t always slow enough for me.
It is also interesting that my levels of submission sort of rise and fall. When I have let go completely during an intense exchange I would do whatever he asked, without really thinking. But it is not always like that. Much of the time it has to be a conscious decision from me whether or not I choose to do what he asks. So am I really submitting, as surely free will must always play a large part? Perhaps that is always the case though. Whether you do it because you want to do it for you, or you do it because you want to do it for him, it seems that you do still have a choice. I think what I hope for is that I want to do it, not that I just choose to do it. By that I don’t just mean wanting to submit by choosing this lifestyle, I mean wanting to in my head, so that the niggling voice that expresses it’s own opinion is gone. I am not sure that I will ever get beyond the stage of sometimes feeling it and sometimes not, but I will be sure to let you know if I do.
Generally, I think I am quite a strong person, and I do have a strong will and a strong sense of what I think is the correct path to take. I am not a bratty submissive by any stretch of the term. I want to please my Sir and make him happy, and for the most part, that is my motivation and my aim. I hate to feel that I have disappointed him or let him down and if I think that I have, I will try to make it up to him and look for reassurance that it is ok and that we can move on. I will not stamp my feet and roll my eyes and make faces to get out of things, as it is not really my way and it would not work with him. What I will do is to ask a question which then begins a discussion which then, often, gets me out of something or alters the path that it was going down, to one that I am more comfortable with. Eeek! While I always do this in a respectful way, I do realise that it is not respecting Sir’s immediate wish to have me do what he has asked.
This is a difficult one for me as it is something that I have always done. Perhaps it is the teacher in me, or at least why I am effective as a teacher. I rarely tell someone that they are wrong, or tell them what they should think or do, but I will use questioning to allow them to see things in a different way. I do it when I teach my subject and I do it even more in the current pastoral role that I have. But more than that, I think it is my preferred method of dealing with things. I have a reaction to something and am quite happy to process it out loud and in a collaborative way so that the final agreement is a shared one. It is important to me to understand how or why I felt like I did and that is also something that I encourage in others. But I do think that this way of managing things gets in the way of my desire to submit, because my desire to understand means that I am thinking rather than just doing.
There are times, of course, when the thinking stops and that is what I like about D/s. It shuts off that thinking part of my brain so that I am simply responding and I am free from all the analysis and can just be. That is refreshing to say the least, but I have still not kicked the habit that sometimes means that I block the very freedom that I crave. I suppose, as with all things, this is something that we just need to keep working on as a couple. Those barriers are being taken down, but brick by brick, as to remove them in one could cause the whole thing to topple and fall. It is a lot to ask of Sir to tackle this as it requires confidence and strength, not to mention trust, to try to change the behaviour of someone you love, even if it is what they say they want. I also realise that my words say one thing whilst my actions are still suggesting another, so I value the time that he is taking over this.
So I don’t think he has broken my will, but he has bent it to his and I appreciate that this is for my own good. Having appeared naked in the kitchen, he did not let me suffer for long, but long enough to make his point. Even better than that, it was long enough to let me see myself where I am often going wrong and what I need to do to change – a different method to mine, but an effective one none-the-less. Afterwards, he put my high protocol collar on, which was a relief as, in that situation, the rules are clear and I can just follow his lead. My mind is still and my will is his and the confusion is gone. So as I sit here (after a second, more intense, caning) I am certain that I want to please. As I type away my bum feels as if I have the heated seat on in the car, and it is a good reminder of who I am and what I want. I have chosen this life of my own free will and to bend that to his is what I want. I don’t want to be broken, well not all of the time, and that is not the person he wants either. My submission means all the more for the fact that it does not always come easily and that, I think, is the beauty as well as the attraction.