This post is written in response to a comment on my last post Forced Orgasms. Thank you for the feedback lurvspanking. In the relationship we have, consent is taken as a given. This is because we trust each other and communicate fully with one another. We have discussed limits, both hard and soft, and we make sure that we revisit these often. We talk after each scene or play session and will go over what worked well and what didn’t. We talk about how we felt both physically and emotionally and Sir will use that to inform future play, and the direction that we take. We are both of an age to have had a variety of life experiences, not all good, and have talked through things which could be, and have been, triggers. Sometimes it is not obvious that something will trigger a response and if this has happened we have stopped and talked about it, either adapting things and continuing, or choosing not to carry on depending on the circumstances.
In building the anticipation of a scene, Sir will always give me an idea of what he has in store. This is good as it allows me to be in the right head space, but also means that I can raise any concerns that I might have. During a scene he will communicate with me all of the time, telling me what he wants and expects from me, but also asking questions which will let him know how I am doing. He checks in with me throughout and when we first started we also used a number scale to rate pain and pleasure so that he got used to my limits and could gauge what my responses meant. These days he can tell from my breathing, the way my muscles move or my toes curl etc how I am doing. He will still ask but he is able to read the signs as well. At the beginning of a scene, Sir will remind me of my safewords and ask me to use them if I need to. I have rarely had cause to ‘red’ and stop things but I have used a ‘yellow’ on a few occasions so that he knows I am struggling and, depending on the situation, he will either reassure me and slow down, or ask me to talk to him about what I am finding hard.
We do not have a contract and I know that for some, our arrangement might not be robust enough. But we are a married couple who have known each other for 10 years. We share everything and have invested everything into building a life together. We have trusted each other with our children and that trust has allowed us to grow into a strong family unit together. Our relationship has so many more facets than just our D/s and we are reliant on each other daily. We have woven a life together, which this dynamic has enhanced, but we would be together with or without it so I think that sometimes I don’t make it clear that safety and consent is an ever present thing. Sir takes my safety, as his wife and as his submissive, seriously. In order to focus on meeting the needs of another and put that before your own needs, you have to have complete trust in the other person and we are lucky in that respect. This means that we both feel safe and while I know that being married offers no guarantees, we are both investing all that we have into making ours work.
I have said a number of times that D/s offers me an intensity and intimacy that I had craved for a long time. Those feelings, while taking you to the highest of highs, can also leave you emotionally, and sometimes physically, vulnerable. At the end of a scene, Sir will spend time on aftercare. During this time he will take care of any physical needs that I have, including rubbing cream into my skin to limit bruising, making sure that I have had some water, am warm etc. He knows that I am needy of his closeness too so he will hold me tightly so that I can feel his presence. He will keep me like this as I slowly come down. Sometimes we will drift off to sleep for a bit if our scene has lasted for a long time as often we are both exhausted. He will check that I am ok and, when I am back with him, I will check that he is ok too. I will always thank him as I appreciate what he does for me and know how lucky I am.
Following a scene I will feel like I am completely his and I can be quite needy of him; he understands that and will try to keep close. I hope that this has clarified things a bit. What I write about requires complete trust that can only come from a strong emotional connection and the knowledge that your emotional and physical welfare is being taken care of. The need for things to be consensual and safe, and for there to be proper care taken afterwards, cannot be stressed enough, and those are key requisites for a D/s relationship.