Sir mentioned me recently his a post, What’s in a Name, where he commented, “she doesn’t find having her Dom firing on one cylinder a safe place to be.” I thought about this at the time and felt quite guilty that he had felt that is what he saw in me. My initial reaction was also to feel a little put out – I was managing fine and was in control of things. Then I realised that this was the issue. As Sir has been unwell he has not been able to do the things that he usually would. I have tried to take care of him and also take care of some of other the other things that he would usually be taking the lead with. This has led to me being busy and, on reflection, different to how I usually am. I think that I have probably lost some of the softness – I am over-committed and being practical, and there has been no time for the relaxed way that things were happening before. Every second has counted and been crammed with something to “be done”. I have become more independent and, in trying to cope on my own, have become more distant I think.
The last few months have kicked Sir pretty hard, but we have worked together to overcome that. He has remained in control and strong and even when life has brought about significant changes, we have been a constant; his control and domination of me has meant that he has retained who he is and not allowed outside influences to determine how he feels about himself. I am so grateful for this as that is how I see him and he is always defined in those terms for me. He is strong: my rock, my guide, my lover, my soul mate, my rescuer, my desire. That is how I see him and I hope that is how I make him feel, even when others don’t. I think that perhaps recently I have not made him feel those things quite as much. I have seen his vulnerability and he hasn’t liked that. I have responded by being protective and caring and doing some of the things that he would usually do for me. Under normal circumstances, I would do them in a much more submissive and non-assuming way. They would be so subtle that they would almost never have happened. They would be there, but as part of the circle of Dominance and submission that we surround ourselves with.
So Sir’s comment did make me think and I saw that perhaps I had not handled this situation as well as I might have done. The fact that he saw that it was ‘not a safe place’ for me to be was interesting though. He saw how much I needed him and his Dominance as that was now our way. Yes, I was coping, but I was also hanging on by a thread. I was managing the daily routine but had lost something of myself in the process. This is a good lesson for me. Letting go is never easy but I realised that I have let go. It allowed me to see how far I had actually come and it let me see how much I needed and wanted him. While the timing was off as he still was not back to full health, the reality that we have grown together and fallen deeper into this dynamic remains a positive. It also meant that I was able to admit that I needed him. He saw clearly what was happening and so I didn’t need to pretend. That was refreshing, I must say. I told him that I thought I might need to feel his cane when he was better which was something he said that he needed too. He was well enough to oblige so fortunately a wait wasn’t required. So two canings and a good spanking later I am feeling much more like the submissive I am. Sir has me back in hand and a semblance of normality is restored. It is always hard when faced with a challenge but such is the stuff of life and I really don’t think that will change. What will change is our resilience, knowledge and experience in managing these things together. He is my safe place and I hope that I am his.