I was asked by a friend the other day what I got out of fisting and anal sex. She also wondered what it was that my Sir got from it. She and her Dom had set these as limits I think, but were interested in what there might be to gain in it if they decided to revisit that.
First of all, fisting was not something that I ever thought that I would do either. When it was first spoken about I wondered about how it was even possible. Sir had tried a bit but his hands are big and I thought that there was no way. I didn’t exactly want to do it but was intrigued about it I guess. I asked around about it but it was hard to get any clear direction and people were a bit vague. In the end I discovered that some of the people who had spoken about it hadn’t actually done it so that reinforced the idea that it was all a bit of a fallacy. Somehow, one winter’s night we arrived at it. I think it was Sir pushing my limits really. The first time we did it we had been playing for a long time. I was very relaxed and had come a lot so I was in that place when I am still there but close to subspace. I think because I was like that he was able to take things further than before and it just sort of happened. I’m not sure it was what he had planned to do.
The feeling is different to other things for me. Anal would he the closest I guess. It goes from the feeling of fullness which is satisfying to something much more intense. There is discomfort in the same way that impact is uncomfortable but also moves to pleasure. It gets to the point where I can’t think about it or rationalise it and I have to just give in. I am completely consumed by the feeling and therefore completely consumed by him. I feel like I might split and shatter in the way that an intense spanking can shatter me emotionally. For me it is a physical shattering so it feeds an intense almost animalistic need. I have to want to feel that or I can’t go that far. Sometimes it is just what I need though. I think that it puts me at the height of vulnerability physically so the trust required is huge.
When there is that level of connection then it feels like nothing else and I will move to subspace with the combination of the physical and emotional owning of my body by Sir and the depth of the connection between us. Sometimes that is what I crave and need. I have to be consumed, give up all control and be completely his. It is almost like being broken apart and re-built as part of him. I’m not sure that I have described this accurately as I feel that it is almost impossible to put into words.
Anal is something similar for me. It is unforgiving in a sense. No room for thoughts or my own will or anything. I am pretty much at his mercy. Anal was another thing that I thought I would have an issue with actually doing. The thought of it turned me on but part of that was the dirty forbidden side of it. It sort of repelled and attracted me in equal measure; something wrong that you know you shouldn’t do but want to because of that. So I have always found it kinky. We had tried it before we were D/s and it was one of those things that worked sometimes but the mood had to be right. Since moving to this lifestyle we have explored the whole anal thing a lot more as Sir has been in charge so the kink has moved up a level. It is something that he wanted to do and he loved the fact that I let him and was into it. I pretend not to want it because I don’t want to want it, but he knows that really I do, if that makes sense. It still turns me on because of the ‘wrongness’ of it. Again, the feeling is intense and consuming. I am exposed fully and completely vulnerable. It also has that slightly humiliating aspect that turns me on too. The pleasure and pain mix in a base and real way for me, and I feel the depth of connection with him again.
These are things that we do sometimes not often. We will include anal play and he will use fingers to fill me etc but we don’t always go full out to fisting or anal sex. Sometimes it will be the focus of a scene but usually it comes from my need for it. I can feel so needy sometimes and at points I want to feel loved and nurtured and soothed but others I want something more extreme.
I asked Sir if he would mind sharing what he got from these things and he said that he likes fisting because it is so intimate. He is overwhelmed by the feeling of wanting to be even more inside me and almost be enveloped. He always wants me to take more but knows there are limits. He said it is a consuming thing for him where he wants to be inside me but that it is also a power thing. He says that anal is a combination of power and kink. He says it also feels like a bit of a conquest as it is not something most people would allow to happen. I had not actually asked him about this in such a direct way before but it is interesting that what we both feel is the same but from different sides. I guess that is why the connection is so huge.