Sir just told me that he would like to use some pictures of me on his blog. Mad panic. I know I am not meant to tell him no, but I told him no. I think the submissive in me was shaking in the wardrobe looking for a floor length habit to hide in while the girl with body image issues came to her rescue. Rescue she did because Sir has cured my body image issues (sort of), so she told him that to have naked(ish) pictures out there of her online would not be a good idea. She spoke of ‘anyone’ who could just download your pictures and used them for ‘anything’! With thoughts of dodgy types perving over his pictures of me he muttered a, s’pose so. Good. She hadn’t even had to use the whole my-career-would-be-over card.
So that has got me thinking. Those arguments are true – once out there, we cannot take back what we had ownership of and there is a vulnerability in that. Is it any more incriminating than anything I have written about our kink etc though? I’m not sure about that, so clearly I am prepared to take some risks. Anyway, why is it any different than the few photos he has already posted on fetlife? Well he didn’t actually ask me about posting those, and I just told him I wasn’t happy about them either. But, being honest, I have used one as a profile picture – what is that about? Hmmm! This is all seeming a bit contradictory so I have a think about it. What I have written may be revealing but people will read it and make judgements about my relationship, personality etc. They wouldn’t be able to judge my appearance though. As for fet, I have only a couple of friends on there and don’t use my profile – it feels like a huge place and not intimate at all, whereas here I feel like I am getting to know people slowly. So I have to conclude that the issue is people I (sort of) know, being able to see the naked truth.
So, if I am being honest with myself, and now, by proxy, with Sir, my reluctance is based on my fragile body image. The submissive me has worked hard to see my body as belonging to Sir; to view it as his and try to look at it in a respectful way. I have become more comfortable with myself and can relax in positions that would not have been possible when we first met. It takes effort but I can even feel sexy for him these days. He is in my head, and, by challenging those thoughts and controlling my reaction to his comments he has been able to do in two years, what he could never do through compliments in the previous five. I am sexy, I am hot, I do have a lovely arse.
But clearly I had not come as far as I thought. I am not ready to be viewed critically by other people whose opinion I care about. I don’t want anyone else to look at pictures of me through my eyes. Where Sir sees a gorgeous curve, I will see fat. More I fear the things he doesn’t see. After years and years of serious body image issues and a distorted view, it is hard to see anything positive in them. I try not to look at his pictures as my eye will be drawn to the negative detail he has not noted. My critical eye is extreme; it alters and adds and changes. To be honest I think that he does too, but love is much kinder than loathing. I have to conclude that I am a work in progress. I think we both thought that I had come further than I have but it is easy to forget when you are happy with where you are. I have become so comfortable with him, we forget that the safety he has built around me has its limits. I hope that as my submission deepens, I will reach the point that I can allow him to celebrate and share what he sees in me with others without feeling the mad panic that my defences cause. I still feel that to share pictures online may be a bad move but it will be nice if that can be down to an online safety concern rather than my dysmorphic self view. I also hope that the next time I realise straight away what the issue is and can respond in a way fitting to my submissive role, rather than allowing old anxieties taking over.
I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel
If I can get to that place then I will be one happy girl (or maybe old lady by then)! If I can look at Sir’s pictures of me and believe that they are real and see what he sees then that will be a huge step. If I can feel only the positives that he sees and encourages in me then it will be amazing. I want to believe in his pictures and I want to see and feel them. I want to be that girl for him and I think that slowly but surely he is healing the hurt that I have done to myself for a very long time.