In my last post D/s with kids I referred to the fact that one of my children knew about our D/s. This is the story of how that happened. This was pretty early on in our journey but thankfully there have been no terrible repercussions of her discovery since, and actually the closeness that we have as a result has been a real positive, so I thought that I would share.
When we began our D/s journey, we started in the bedroom. For a number of reasons we felt that this was not the best thing for us and moved to an arrangement which we saw as being more 24/7. When we did this, Sir and I found that our relationship grew stronger in so many ways. We were happier, calmer and more deeply in love than ever. However, after a couple of weeks, my daughters (14 and 16) noticed the change. They said that they felt that my husband and I had a secret and seemed to be behaving differently. We discussed this with them and it seemed that although they saw the changes as positive they were a little unsettled so we talked made some time to talk about how we could continue in a way which would not make them feel excluded. Becoming more respectful to each other also meant that I began to see that as a core value for all the family, not just for the two of us, so I guess my expectations of all the children changed a bit too.
I have to say that I am pleased in some ways that my daughters were perceptive and observant enough to pick up on the changes. During my time of living with their father I felt they had seen a negative relationship and was pleased that they recognised the difference in the relationship that I have with Sir. I was pretty open, particularly with my eldest who chatted a bit about it; we talked about how I felt a relationship should be and without mentioning D/s explained why the honesty, openness, communication and respect that we had was a positive thing. She commented that previously I seemed to make all the decisions but that now I was really nice and thoughtful to Sir and then he made the decision that I wanted him to anyway. She also expressed concern that I seemed more interested in him than in her and was feeling a bit vulnerable I think. She had just finished an extended period of exams at the time so was feeling pretty stressed and emotional anyway. She also feels that her father, who she no longer sees, chose his new partner over her, so I think it hit a bit of a nerve. More reassurance, and we moved on.
A few days later we were walking to school and she asked if Sir and I still loved each other. I told her we did and she said that she knew what my necklace meant (it is a silver day collar with a small shackled heart on it). She told me that she’d read ‘The Story of O’ and knew what the circle meant symbolically. I have to say I was pretty shocked. I tried to reassure her the best I could in the short time we had before we arrived at school (it is only a short walk from our house and the building was already in sight when she mentioned it). Her concerns were that I was in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. Her question about loving each other was based on a concern that our marriage was failing and that we were trying this as a way to fix it. Again, she remembered so many times where I had tried to make things work with her dad, so this was a real concern for her. She knew about safe words and said she understood that he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want but was worried that I would be lost to the relationship and that she wouldn’t have a real mum anymore.
I spent the whole day worrying about how it would all turn out and in the end I sent her an email explaining in more detail how our relationship worked. I explained that our relationship was based on respect, honesty, trust and communication and that we cared for and loved each other. I told her that Sir had the final decision on a number of things to do with our relationship but that he asked my opinion and listened to me before making a decision, always taking what I said seriously. I reassured her that if I was not happy with something then I would say to him and we would discuss it. She had been worried about walking in on me being ‘led about on a lead’ and I told her that all she should ever see is two people who are happy and communicating well. I said that she might also see him being protective over me and gentlemanly – opening doors for me, pulling out a seat for me when out etc, not because I couldn’t do it for myself but because he wanted to do it for me. I will not bore you with the whole email but her fears were based on what she had gleaned from books (she’d even read the first ‘Brie’ novel and the ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Trilogy) and the media about what a D/s relationship was like rather than what she’d observed from being around us. She said that she saw that we were happy and knew that we had a good, strong relationship. Like us when researching, what was available didn’t really fit with a married D/s dynamic and she was pretty confused about how it would work.
Later on we chatted with Sir too and she was very mature about the whole thing. She became more open herself admitting an interest in kink (pain and bondage) which is probably as difficult for me to think about as the thoughts she’s had to confront about me. She seemed relieved that she’d ‘obviously got that from me’ and we were ‘more alike than she’d thought’. I have no plans to tell our other children, but for anyone out there who is facing the same concern I thought it might be helpful to know that being ‘discovered’ by your teenager can have a positive outcome. We are closer as a result and while I wouldn’t have chosen to tell her, I now feel comfortable that she knows. All in all it has been a positive; a few nights after this she checked her step-brother for beginning his meal before his dad had even sat down!
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