I want to share with you a letter that I sent to my Sir yesterday. The purpose of doing this is to show that not everything can ever be positive all of the time. Any relationship, especially one with rewards as good as ours, is hard work sometimes. We are human. We stumble and get things wrong and I was aware that most of what I had posted so far was about the times that things work. You see I know the theory. I know what I should do and I can sit and write about how to fix things but when I am in the middle of it that isn’t always what I do and I thought that perhaps others may identify with that. I do feel some reluctance to share it as I realise that by being honest I am not showing myself in the best light, but really that is part of the point and I think that it is probably a good thing to make myself accountable.
It is unusual for me to write to you in this circumstance but you said that reading my writing has helped you to understand more of what is going on in my head. I imagine that it also allows you time to consider what I have written and gives you a fuller understanding of my feelings, including my anxieties. That is why I have decided to try this method of communication today. Not to be impersonal, but to see if it can avoid the negativity and self blame that can sometimes arise from face to face discussion.
So here goes. I have found this week difficult. Having been off work for six much needed weeks holiday, I am contemplating my return to a busy job which is full on and full time. Whilst I love it and it makes me tick, there really aren’t enough hours in the day to meet the standards that I set myself. The head space required is also a drain on my resources and I know you understand the level to which it ties me up emotionally. It is always hard having spent an extended period of time with you, to think about making time for others again and I think that this has been the case even more this year as you have been around the whole time. I suppose that is the context onto which everything else becomes added. A certain level of anxiety exists as I contemplate it; I know that it will happen and it will be fine but I will feel it. And that means so will you. It will take a week or so and then things will be back to the normal hustle and bustle of our somewhat hectic life.
Added to this is the arrival on Monday of our American visitors who will stay with us next week. It will be great to see them but it will be a juggling act between work, the kids, preparing food and being sociable. Gone will be the lazy days we have had together. This will lead into the 7 hour long, 400 mile, journey straight after work on Friday for a family reunion. Again, it will be lovely to see everyone but with the same journey to make back on Sunday, ready for work again on Monday, it is something else which has raised those levels just a bit. All of that really is the back story. It is fact – it will be a busy week, we will be tired by the end of it but we will manage and we will have fun. We will use the structure and routine that we have to stay connected and together, always trying to keep ‘us’ at the centre.
Then you became unwell. This changed things slightly for me. I felt protective and wanted to care for you and support you. Initially this seemed to work but it soon became clear that you didn’t need that. You wanted to be in control again and do what made you feel good. You jumped straight back into the home project you are engaged in and took up where you left off with it. I could see that you were struggling and tried to help but you dismissed my concerns. So trying to be submissive by anticipating your needs and working in the background to make things easier for you wasn’t really working. You didn’t need that from me which was a positive – you felt much better than you had done and were ‘back to normal’. Except that you weren’t. Normally you make time for us. You want to talk and connect and will let me know what your needs and wants are so that I can respond to them. This hasn’t happened either. While I want to submit to you, you have had no need for a submissive. You are doing your own thing, managing your own time and filling your day. There is no role or direction for me and this is hard. I have two choices. Grab hold of my independence and take control of things for me or wait and keep trying and work through it. I chose the second option. I still want to be your submissive even if I am not able to meet your needs.
The trouble is that I start to stop feeling it. My mindset is not being fed and I feel at sea. I am drifting along and can feel myself start to unravel. I am not feeling your lead or your attention but I start to let this leak into other areas. I become disinterested in daily chores and put things off. I start to go into myself a bit and become a bit quieter. I lose a bit of that spark and enthusiasm and the shine seems to go. I bristle a little when you do give me an instruction as the connection has started to fade a bit and it feels unfamiliar. Maybe I should come to you and ask to talk but I don’t want to be a pain. I know that you are busy and the things you are absorbed in are house things that you are doing ‘for us’. I worry that when we do talk you will immediately assume responsibility for something which should always be a shared thing. You will reflect that you have messed up and will lose confidence, making everything more difficult again. We have been here before and we are getting better at managing it but it is still a bit of a thought.
Suddenly there is light. I think that you have seen what is happening. I think that you recognise the pattern and you actually challenge me when my response seems a little off. Then you tell me that you will be making time for us to talk later. You say that we have not spent much time on us to which I agree. You say that we will talk and that then you will ask me to wear you collar, which will mean a higher level of protocol and probably some play. I immediately feel picked up. You have noticed me faltering and have taken control. I feel really positive. Unfortunately the talk and the collar time don’t happen. I am not really sure why – maybe you forgot or something got in the way. It doesn’t feel like you are aware of in or in control of it though. You don’t communicate a change of plan so I think that we are just back to drifting. Then today we talk about other things and you resume work on your home project. I know that I should force the situation by asking for time but I think about it and decide not to. I want you to get your work completed so that you will have more time so I am robbing Peter to pay Paul by asking you to stop for what I imagine will become a lengthy discussion. The fact that it is only morning means that the kids are around so there wouldn’t be the opportunity for a re-set of the dynamic either, which I imagine we will need.
So I decide to write it down instead and see how that works. It has worked for me in terms of getting things straight in my own head and off-loading some of the feelings and anxieties I have but I know that if this continues I will fall into old ways again. Climbing inside my own head, being independent and self-sufficient is my defence. But I want to be your submissive. I want to meet your needs and desires by anticipating them and engaging you with me. I also want to meet them by following your lead and direction but at the moment things are inconsistent. We both need to feed each other for this to work and I don’t feel that we are. Without being fed the fire is dwindling and the glow and heat is less than it was. Hopefully this letter will help and we can have a long talk where you share with me what has been in your head and keeping you from me. I need that openness and honesty to fuel my trust. I want us back on track as soon as we can be.
All my love, missy
As soon as he has read it he came to talk to me about it. He agreed that we would speak properly later on, however, this did not go according to plan. Apparently the fact that I have written a letter about me unraveling and he has read that letter about me unraveling is not enough to stop me from unraveling! During our discussion that is exactly what I did. It was like he flicked a switch and I spoke and spoke and spoke. At what point during my stream of consciousness he lost the thread and stopped trying to keep up I’m not sure but I am sure that he did. In the end he turned to me and asked me what I actually needed from him. “To feel loved and wanted and safe,” I said. He asked if I didn’t feel loved. I said that yes I always knew that he loved me but right now I wasn’t feeling it directly which was probably because I knew I was being a complete pain and who would love that? I said that what I really needed was for him to stop me by taking me in control. So that is what he did and I feel much better now.
I have apologised to my Sir and we have worked it out. It is easy with hindsight to see your mistakes and where you have gone wrong. I feel bad that I let my own insecurities get the better of me. What he needed from me was to be strong and be patient and somehow I got too wrapped up in how I was feeling and although I thought I was thinking about his needs, actually I was thinking about my own.
The point is that these sorts of things happen. And then they don’t for a bit. And then they do again. Nothing is ever perfect and it can’t be sunshine every day – particularly not in Scotland!