I guess that really, giving meets receiving is the crux of a power exchange, certainly one with a D/s slant. Making the other happy and meeting their needs and desires is both fulfilling and consuming in equal measure. It becomes a powerful part of who you are and who you want to be. I suppose this was something that I hadn’t really thought much about before entering into it. I wanted to make my husband happy, of course I did, but usually this was when the mood took me rather than being a standing thing.
Now, I don’t profess to be perfect. I admit that sometimes I feel the stretch of my lids that indicates the onset of an eyes roll, and stop it. Sometimes the request of my Sir is met by a question or statement which pops into my head and I have to fight back the desire to ask it. Sometimes I still even have to check the deep sigh that I almost let out. Basically, sometimes I am just not in the place I need to be with the whole your needs are my needs deal. But I try. And I have made progress over the years. I think! So perhaps if you were to ask my Sir , he does still hear the whisper of the unuttered question in his head. Maybe he can almost see the shadow of the eye roll that wasn’t. And it might be that he can feel the air slightly shift, at the exhale of the breath that was withheld. But most of the time, I would like to think that I do reasonably well.
One thing that highlights this change to his needs and desires becoming mine, is oral sex. I was never shy with blow jobs with him – I think that within a few weeks he said that he had enjoyed more of these with me than through the entire duration of his first marriage. But I was really into him, it was something that he liked, and it just felt the right thing to do. I guess at the start I liked the feeling it gave me because he seemed so grateful and flattered that it was something I wanted. And I did enjoy it. It was something that I did where I didn’t get anything back. It made me feel selfless which was really nice. Many of the other women I know didn’t feel the same and it was not something that they did really. The old joke about getting married so you never had to do it again wore a bit thin in the female circles I was mixing in. So I suppose that added to the idea that it was something sexy and something that I did just for him although I guess I was always aware that he probably wanted more than he actually got.
That became clear when I became his submissive. Sucking became something that I now did much more frequently. He used it as a ritual to help me to transition from work mode to sub mode after a difficult day at work. He used it as a reset when our dynamic had wavered. And he used it as a request pretty much anytime that it crossed his mind. He could have it if he wanted it so why not? I think that initially it was part of the realisation that I wanted to serve him on that level and he was testing that in a small way. It was fine by me. It was something that I liked doing and wanted to do even better. Enter the deep throat training. This, along with swallowing was something that I had not really considered in the past but quite early on I felt that it was something that I wanted to do for him and I asked him to help me to practice. This went well and being used in that way was actually quite a turn on in the same way that oral had been in the first place.
However, the other night, post hospital visit, when I wanted to connect with him, that was what I wanted to do. I asked if he would mind if I kissed him for a while. He agreed and I found myself lost in him. The next night he said that he thought that he would like it if I sucked him again. I admit it was different – he was calling the shots which as a Dom he is prone to do, but I quickly became absorbed again. Usually, after a while when he has asked for it, he will thank me and tell me that I can stop now if I want. I realised that I didn’t want to stop so continued for quite a while longer. Without going into any details, I managed to spend hours quite happily.
This made me think. What is the difference between oral sex and cock worship? I have known for a while that I have made this transition but had not really thought about it in any detail before. I think that with cock worship, your Sir sees all the emotions that you are holding for him. Everything that you have and you are is poured out into it. It’s not just a physical act anymore. It is highly emotional and is the sum of all you feel. You are lost into him and what you do to him becomes what you are. I cease to exist as myself and become only the sensations and the reactions for him. The aim is not to induce an orgasm like the blow jobs in the porn clips, but to hold one off, thereby prolonging the pleasure so that it becomes the act rather than the prelude to the act. To orgasm would mean the end and I don’t want it to end for either of us. I want to become part of him; consume him and be consumed by him. It is almost like the very act sustains me in itself and at the time I really want nothing more.
The fact that he feels all of that means that although it is intensely physical for him, it is emotional as well. It connects us and makes us exist for each other. The selflessness of the blowjob days is replaced with the circle of need and pleasure and fulfilment, where one simultaneously feeds and is fed and where giving and receiving becomes one and the same because each is dependent on the other. To me, it becomes a thing of beauty and is one of the gifts I can give to my Sir which I know will remind him of what I am. He will feel my love, he will feel my devotion and he will feel my complete submission.