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Being Kinky

I guess I think that kinky is something that you are and not something you become, although the realisation that not everyone feels as you do and wants to do the things that you do can mean that you don’t always get to explore as you might.  I remember even as a young girl playing games such as doctors and nurses, lying as the patient as the others examined me and feeling turned on by it, although I didn’t really understand what I felt – just that it felt really nice.  As I grew older I developed an interest in pain and pleasure and would pour candle wax or cut myself as I enjoyed the rush that it gave.  I guess the signs were there, but as I said before, I was pretty naive and didn’t really know how to make sense of it all.

I enjoyed experimenting but seemed to crave different things than other people.  There wasn’t anyone to speak to or ask about such things and even once I reached adulthood, my friends were unlikely ever to admit that they masturbated, let alone anything else.  If only the internet had been around then, I might have been able to work out what was going on with me, but with the world wide web still a decade away, I just thought I was weird and kept my fantasies to myself.  My relationships always started out well but things would wane and I can’t say that I ever really felt fulfilled.  Sometimes I would suggest, or even do things that seemed normal to me but were met with disgust, horror or ridicule by a partner so I got used to keeping quiet.  I think that is another reason that being a submissive suits me as now I can have all those kinky experiences without having to take the responsibility of asking for them – unless I am made to of course!  These days having my need, want and desire for the depraved and dirty is used as just another humiliating way to turn me on, and I love it.

I did meet one guy who was older and more worldly-wise than me.  He even had a vibrator he used on me which took me to subspace the first time we tried it out.  He talked about anal which both fascinated and freaked me in equal measure and I did realise there was something different about the relationship, which was exciting and involved taking risks.  I think now that if I was the heroine in one of those erotic novels then he would have been the one to show me the world of D/s.  But this is real life, not fiction, and no such revelation was made. He was certainly dominant although I don’t think he really knew anything about that lifestyle but was the first really kinky person I had been with. Unfortunately, the relationship itself was a bit of a car crash, and so I ended back in my safe and nice little world with those ‘normal’ people and went back to pretending and trying to fit in.

Once I was married, the first time, it became apparent how much I needed more.  Again, friends were no help – most of them were moaning about their husbands poking them in the back each night when I was thinking the chance would be a fine thing.  My first husband and I had very different tastes and we just did not grow together.  I discovered Nancy Friday and finally realised that other women thought about doing the same things as me.  This was such a revelation and relief although it still seemed to me all the kinky people were in the USA.  Where was the kink in my little Scottish village?  I don’t think there was even a sex shop in the main town until Anne Summers came in the year 2000!  A former literature student, I found books like ‘The Story of O’ and knew that there was more to my feelings than I had previously understood.  While not being sure I would ever want to do some of those things, I found them incredibly hot.  I had always submitted to men in the relationships I had so I knew that if I found someone with shared interests, they would push those boundaries for me.

As it was, some years later, I met the man who would rescue me from vanilla.  There was an instant connection between us and through discussion and text (at last technology had moved on and taken me with it) we were able to sound each other out about lots of different things.  The excitement I felt when he asked if I would ever consider spanking is reflected by the fact that when I recall that text it still gives me a twinge today!  The first time we were in bed together he asked if he could put a finger in my arse – nowadays there is no asking about it of course! I said yes; I always said yes to everything in those situations which was kind of one of my issues.  In a deep, low whisper directly into my ear he told me just to relax. I did as instructed and I melted and knew that this relationship was different to the ones I had been in before.  I think we both knew pretty quickly that this was something we had to hold on to, and like kids in a sweet shop, we began to explore the hidden fantasies that we had both held silently for so long.  I have to say that it was fortunate for us that we both connected in ways other than the sexual too otherwise I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today.  But together we were able to explore things and grow with each other, enjoying the kink and finally arriving at the D/s dynamic we have today.

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2 thoughts on “Being Kinky

  1. Pingback: Story of the O – #3 Squirting Orgasms | submissy

  2. Pingback: How I Got Here | submissy

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