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Rules and Rituals

One of the first things we did was to agree on the ‘rules’ and ‘rituals’ that would set the dynamic for our D/s relationship. How would it differ from what had gone before? Did we need a ‘contract’? Every thing that we read screamed, ‘YES!’, but with a marriage certificate, 7 kids, a considerable mortgage and the same PIN number on our debit cards, did we truly need anything else to ensure that we were fully invested in this relationship? At the end of the day we decided we did, but more because it was a reference document which would remind us each of what we had committed to undertake, rather than something to wave at the other as proof that there had been a breach, and consequently, a code red.

The list we produced outlined how each of us would behave in terms of communication and respect. In addition there were details for me as to what was expected in terms of my submission and, for Sir, in terms of his Dominance. It was not overly complicated and drawing it up led to some good discussion as we talked it through together. It came much more naturally and comfortably that way, as we each suggested what we felt the other should expect, rather than starting with a downloadable version which we then altered.

The rules and rituals themselves were pretty simple at the start and mostly dictated the new level of respect I was to show my Sir. We incorporated things such as me serving him first and never eating until he had begun, turning down the duvet and preparing the bedroom for him and me greeting him with a kiss when either of us left or returned to/from the house. Sir insisted on opening doors for me, having me walk on his left-hand-side (or away from traffic) and ordering meals for me when we were out. In addition to wearing a day collar, there were other things that I had to do which would help with my wellbeing or mindset. These included food and exercise requirements and texting him at certain times. I was to ask permission for things such as accepting invitations to go out and also for working late or bringing work home. He also devised a number of talks which would help me to grow in my submission but these things changed as we went along.

I guess over time, a lot of the things in that original ‘contract’ have become habit and just what we do. We have added to them as we have gone along but I would say that it really helped us to keep it simple at the start. At the end of the day, whatever you has to have a purpose or it isn’t really worth doing and it probably won’t motivate you to keep going with it. If that purpose is because it pleases your partner then that is great. But it may be that it is something which helps you to stay or connect with the right mindset at various points or that it is an area where you need to be pushed to grow as an individual or as a submissive. I really found that I enjoyed focussing on doing these things we had agreed. In a busy, unpredictable and often hectic world, having the structure and routine to shape my day was a positive. The fact that my Sir would ask, comment or check how I was doing, also made me feel really safe and nurtured and brought us closer.

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